Category Archives: rants
Dear Mr. Cold,
It has officially been one week, 7 miserable days, since you have checked into my body and you have now worn out your welcome here. You are not a fun or pleasant guest to have around and I need you to go away…now..right now..immediately. Consider yourself Evicted, please read and comply with above notice. You have done nothing positive for me, all you have managed to do is run havoc on my body. You have made me sore, sweaty, freezing, sneezy, miserable, tired, and now your latest shenanigan…making me blow parts of my brain out through my nose which is now raw and it hurts and frankly its just disgusting. You make me snotty during the day and stuff me up at night and therefore I wake up with furry teeth and chapped lips…ewwwe! That’s just wrong. I do not find this game you are playing funny or amusing. You played a trick on me on Friday, you let me feel better for a day and then you came back even worse. What did I do to you? Did you get a laugh out of it? I hope you are thoroughly amused. I have been a good and patient hostess but now it’s just time for you to go. I need to go grocery shopping and be a part of society but with you here I feel like a reject. I need to get my kid a pair of shoes and warm coats but I don’t have the energy, so my son has been going to school barefoot and both of my kids have frostbite. Are you happy? No one wants to be around me, no one wants wants my germs that you are leaving behind. My family is going to starve because of you and my husband is not going to have his coffee. Can you live with that on your conscience? I hope not. I am in need of human interaction and sunlight. You must pack your bags and leave the premises immediately or I am calling in the big boys to bounce you.
I say Good Day to you, now get the fuck out!
ps. If you even think think about taking up residence in one of my children or my husband I will take the drastic measures needed and behead you personally. If you want to keep your life you need to leave nicely and quickly. I will be awaiting your payment for time and suffering. Please pay promptly.
Let’s talk about forwarded emails for a moment or as I like to call them ‘shit mail’. Along with my “The Mommy Code..It’s Common Sense” book I want to write, I already have an idea for the second edition of the Common Sense Series. It will be titled “The Forward Email Code..It’s Common Sense”. Whenever I receive an email that has Fwd: in the subject line the rest of the subject better be damn catchy or it is going in the trash. I loathe forwarded non funny emails aka shit mail. I receive many of these shit emails and the majority of the time it is instantly deleted, sent to forwarded email hell where it will burn forever. This is where it should have been sent to in the first place but there is always somebody that thinks it is a good idea to send it to every single person they know. These people need to be bitch slapped and woken up from their “Everyone is going to love getting this email!” world. I hate to tell you but we don’t. They are stupid, no one reads them. Whoever comes up with the shit mail now wants to play the psychology card and guilt you into “not breaking the chain” because if you do something horrendous is going to happen to you. F*ck you Mr. Shit mail creator! You need to be sent to the same place I send your shitty mind fuck of emails.
Yesterday I had the honor of receiving one of these emails, subject line: Fwd: I thought of you (look closely at the picture). Oh wow this person thought of me today, I’m so special! No, not the case. I scroll down to see this picture:
I do not have long blonde hair nor do I have a halo or angel wings coming out my back or best I don’t own a sword so how did this person think of me when looking at this picture? Am I the bad I’m going to kill you angel or the one praying for her life? Hmmm…..
This is what it said under the picture:
The President of Argentina received this picture and called it “junk mail”, 8 days later his son died . A man received this picture and immediately sent out copies . His surprise was winning the lottery . Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot to distribute: She lost her job and he lost his family . This picture is miraculous and sacred .
What the crap is that all about? Thank you for the mind fuck I hope you don’t charge.
Then I was informed that ….. “You were chosen to receive this novena .” Great! Who chose me? Was my name on the master ‘send to’ list? I’m very doubtful. I don’t even know what the hell a Novena is. Let’s learn together. Definition: a Roman Catholic devotion consisting of prayers on nine consecutive days Great! I am not Catholic, hell I am not a religious person, I don’t go to church, don’t wanna, ain’t gonna.
Here is the rest of the email, my comments in red:
The moment you receive it, say : First quit telling me what to do!
Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed it be Thy name, Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but, deliver us from evil . For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever. Amen . I don’t pray.
GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU, It shall be well with you this coming year . Cool! I have always wanted a side kick!
No matter how much your enemies try this year, they will not succeed .
You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your
goals this year . Awesome because I was just going to kick all my enemies in the teeth and run.
For all of 2010, all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance . Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY . He will never let you down . . .. I’m so glad that he confirmed the end of my suffering. I thought I was pretty freaking happy until I read that. Shew!
I knocked at heaven’s door this morning, God asked me. My child! What can I do for you? And I said, ‘Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message . . . . ‘ I didn’t ask you to knock on anyone’s door. I hope he wasn’t in the middle of something.
This is a Novena from Mother Theresa that started in 1952 . It has never been broken . Within 48 hours send 20 copies (Or as many as you can – God does know if you don’t have 20 people to send it to .
It’s the effort and intent that counts . ) to family and friends . Again, with the telling me what to do. I don’t know 1 let alone 20 people that wants to receive this shit. I’m pretty confident that this has been broken at least once in 58 years. I don’t feel too guilty about it.
This is a powerful Novena . Couldn’t hurt . Can only help . Sorry I didn’t know I needed help.
Please do not break it . . Consider it broken.
Seriously who thinks up this crap to send. I don’t want your God and especially in an email. If I felt like I needed some guidance via religion I will walk my happy ass to a church. It’s bad enough that somedays when I get on facebook it’s like a darn church mass. It’s not only the religion emails it’s all the emails that say you have to send this to x# of people or else. Screw you and your emails. I am placing you people in the same category as telemarketers. You people suck.
Here’s the kicker and coincidence of it all. I didn’t forward it and soon after my email got hacked and mysterious links got sent out to everyone in my address book. My punishment maybe? I don’t know and I don’t really care, thankfully though I have smart friends that knew better than to open them.
There should be rules or better yet common sense laws that need to be taken into consideration before adding 50 people to the forwarding list and hitting send.
1. Does this email have shocking pictures of people doing complete dumb shit in it? If answer is no do not forward
2. Is this in any way shape or form funny? If the answer is no do not forward
3. Are the contents shocking, funny or awwe inspiring? If the answer is no do not forward
4. Does the email contain a funny joke? If the answer is no do not forward
5. Most importantly ..Pick your ‘forward to’ list wisely, take into consideration the subject of the email and then pick the people to send it to. Don’t just send it to everyone.
In conclusion…Please take me off of your “Send your shit mail to” list and leave me alone. If they are funny emails that will make me laugh, bring them on!
Thank you in advance for your cooperation,
It’s Monday and I was up at 6:00am and by 6:10 I was ready to go back to bed and start the day all over again Yep it’s one of those days. I start my coffee and head back the hallway to get the kids up and ready for school. They have been on Fall Break this past week so Momma is or now should say was ready for them to be back in school. I walk in my sons room and see a pile of something in the middle of the floor, I bend down to further investigate and focus my tired eyes, it is a chewed up chord to the playstation controller in a million pieces! Great start to the day, I look over at the dog who is instantly on my shit list and he knows he did wrong and pees on my toes! Seriously! Did that just happen, I haven’t been up for 10 minutes and I have literally been pissed on! Ok thats 2 things and I haven’t even made it to my son’s bed yet. It’s now 6:10 and want to kill my dog and go back to bed. I get my son up while trying not to beat my dog into a bolivian, go across the hall to get my daughter up. The rest of the morning routine is going smoothly despite the regular arguing that takes place when it’s time to brush the teeth, I have the news on and start getting my daughter dressed and I think I hear “Smyrna Elementary closed due to water main break”. Did I just hear that because my brain is still on auto pilot? Did they just say my kid’s school is closed today? NOOOOO! I go into somewhat of a panic mode because I am not sure I heard that correctly for one, and two I don’t know whether to finish getting the kids ready because the bus will be here in 10 minutes. I immediately check my phone and email for the mass message that usually goes out to all the parents when school has been closed..nothing. I text a fellow school mom to see if she has heard, her answer no. Was I just imagining that I heard that because that would be the icing on the cake for the morning?? Finally I see on the clicker at the bottom of the screen “Breaking News: Smyrna Elementary School closed due to major water main break”. Ok deep breath, try except the fact that this day is not going my way, I am not going to get done what I had planned to do today. Flipp’n peachy! I call the mom back to let her know about the closing and that her son can come down here for the day. Finally the phones start ringing, texts start coming in, it’s official the school is closed. Just shoot me in the foot! The kids are beside themselves with joy that their fall break just got longer, I am beside myself with “Are you kidding me?” because all I wanted was for them to go to school so I could scrub this house, get caught up on all the things I didn’t get done last week while they were here and I needed to go somewhere with my dad and stepmom this morning. I had a full day ahead of me. I called my dad to see if we can post pone our plans until tomorrow because I am not taking 3 kids to the pool store where I need to pay attention to what the pool people are telling me and not play referee, plus we were supposed to do some shopping with my stepmom. There is no way in hell I am taking two 8 year old boys and a 5 year old girl to the pool store and shopping…no way jose, not unless I can walk around with a constant stream of alcohol dripping into my veins. By this time it is 6:40am and I am done for the day. Hopefully at the least I can get my house cleaned and some laundry done. I might have to lock the kids outside or in a room because if I do get my cleaning done they are not aloud to touch a thing when I am done or else.
ps. I think I am going to trade my dog in for a cat..stupid freaking dog!
To my surprise on Tuesday my post “it is what it is when you wear what you wear” got freshly pressed. Wow is all I can say about this whole ‘experience’ I guess you can call it. The reason I choose to keep a blog is to write down how I am feeling or what I am thinking about, never to see how many people I can get to read my blog or to push anyone’s buttons on my point of view on things. Tuesday I watched an interview and blogged about it. I hit publish and continued on with my morning. About 20 minutes later I start getting emails regarding comments on my blog. I go in and check them out hit approve and then one catches my eye “congrats on being freshly pressed”..WHAT? I proceed to the front page and there it was, my post. My first thoughts..Wow! and then Really? Yep..really. The morning goes on and more comments come.. After it is all said and done 12,000+ people had read my post. 12,000!!!! Along with 300+ comments. Holy Shit are you kidding me! Truly insane to me that that many people read what I had to say. I stirred up quite the discussion. The comments were coming in so fast that I would read them, shake my head or give myself a high five, hit approve, reply to a few and move on. A bit overwhelming. People were talking, tweeting, reposting, retweeting, getting mad, approving, praising, twisting my words, taking my words out of context, misconstruing a bit, agreeing and disagreeing. Some, it seemed, were completely missing my point of view and finding ‘underlying’ points that I made. Some were even quoting me, I said quoting using quote marks, and they weren’t even my words…this one got to me. How can you quote me and not even use my quote? One was so far off course that I just sat there with my jaw on the floor thinking to myself “how in the hell did you get that out of that???” Some said I was attacking the character, this I never did. One said that if I am going to ‘report’ on things I need to update my post. Ok here’s the deal, I am not a “writer” or a “reporter”, just a girl that keeps a blog and by chance it got freshly pressed. Some said my post was horrifying, disgusting, great, or right on point. All this over my little post. Still I think..Really? Yep..really. I guess I hit a soft spot for some. I went back through the comments yesterday and read them again. I found myself making a mistake, I was concentrating on the negative and not the positive (comments). I found myself getting mad even lashing out a few. Wrong way to look at things. First of all I let myself get mad over other people’s point of view and their opinion, everyone is entitle to theirs just like I am to mine. At some I felt like I was being attacked or bashed…looking at it now this is not the case just simply a disagreement in opinions or point of views. This was a great way to examine how different minds work and think about things. I, myself, like to look at things through what I think is a reality scope (not saying everyone else doesn’t I’m just speaking for myself and my outlook on things) and I take the attitude it is what it is, it’s just how things are. I was taught, this is reality, this is how life is and sometimes it sucks and most of the time is is grand. Yes I want certain things not to be how they are and would like to see some things change but right now at this very moment in time it is what it is. I accept it this and it is hard at times.
So looking back on this whole thing it was quite the experience filled with positives and negatives. It’s kinda neat thinking that I started this big debate on a touchy subject and got people thinking, talking and discussing. But for now I have had my fill.
To all that read, commented and got involved, thank you!
I must vent, shoot myself in the foot or beat my children…I choose vent. Yesterday was one hellacious day. I am so OVER the ‘get me’s', the ‘i wants’, ‘do this’s', the repeating myself one thousand times, the lack of common sense, the lack of ability to follow simple directions. I am going to purchase me a drill sergeant uniform and enforce boot camp up in here. Somehow in the last week my kids have turned into common sense lacking little brats. My daughter somehow has turned into this demanding little thing. Em-”Get me some chocolate milk” Me-”No Mam, you may not have milk until you ask me politely” Em-”I want chocolate milk”. UGH! Since when is my little girl who is usually very polite and uses her please and thank you’s this demanding little diva?! This has started since school started. Is it because she has to follow rules all day at school and now she just wants what she wants right now? Well tough bologna little girl! Life sucks so suck it up.
My son, where do I start with him. He is a very loving boy but lately, Good God! He wasn’t in the door 5 minutes yesterday and I was all over him for not listening, being a little smart ass, talking back and just being rude. He is the one that lacks the common sense..he better end up being a genius so it’s easier for me to understand the lack in this area. Me-”Will get that off your head and go put it in on my bed so the dog doesn’t chew it up” (easy right..WRONG) He goes in my room but he is in my closet doing god know what with the item that I told him to put on my bed. 5 minutes later it has made it on my bed. I tell him to stop doing whatever he is doing and his rebuttal is but she did this, the dog was doing that. I DON’T FLIPP’N CARE! I told you to stop doing whatever and that means keep your mouth shut and just do it! (yep venting) Just so you know, my son knows absolutely everything, just ask him he’ll tell you. He is never wrong and does nothing wrong. It is always someone else. Another UGH! I had to get on him I don’t know how many times yesterday and everything had a rebuttal. I had to turn away at the end or I might just beat him. (not really but I want to sometimes) Will asks me if he can have some gold fish for a snack, I tell him no but you may have a banana, apple or an orange. He says fine I don’t want anything then. Well Fine! You can starve because that is all that I am offering to you at this moment in time. Again, Will says well can I have a capri sun? No I can pour you a glass of juice because the capri suns are for your lunches at school. Again, he says, I don’t want anything then. For the flipp’n love of god!!!!
Another one..I watch my son’s best friend everyday after school. J doesn’t get a darn foot in the door and he says to me “I want a banana and juice.” Seriously, am I your freaking server now. How about a hello first. How about we do homework, or go over spelling words or hell, I don’t know maybe talk about your day first before we start demanding food…my food. Food that your mom doesn’t pay me enough for to feed you 4 times before you go home for the day. Later in the afternoon he says to me “when is my mom going to be here?” I tell him “here in about an hour, are you miserable?” He says yes. I ask him why are you so miserable? He says “there’s nothing to do”. Again..Are you freaking kidding me?!?!? There’s not a closet full of toys, another closet full of 48 games, there’s not a basketball goal out front or a swing set in the back? Another..UGH!
My husband says to stand them in the corner. I have mixed feelings about this punishment. My parents never did that to me or my sister. It’s a little degrading in my eyes. But I might just have to try it because talking isn’t working. My son is to big for me to spank, it doesn’t phase him. My daughter on the other hand all you have to do is say do you want a spanking and she turns to tears. My dad had the power of the eyes and voice. All he had to do was raise his voice and look at us with those eyes and my sister and I would just cower.. I don’t have this special human power..damn it! I still have to find my power. Trust me I am looking. Is there a “Find your Super Parenting Power” class because if there is..Sign me up!
My sister and I were driving back from my dad’s last night with the kids talking about their behavior over the course of the evening and I realized something. I have 10 more years of this crap, the back talking, the sassing, the “I know everything, you don’t know crap mom”. I am now on a mission. Mission: Whip my kids back into shape, back into the sweet little kids that are now hiding deep down in them somewhere. Boot camp starts…NOW!
This morning on the Today show Lindsay Lohan getting out of rehab was top news. 15 minutes into their first hour they did a full story on this breaking news. Why again do we care? Now it’s all about Tiger Wood’s divorce. Again why do we care? These stories beat out the story of a man who sawed (YES sawed..with a saw) off his own arm because he was stuck in a furnace. (I don’t know why he was stuck in a furnace because it is going on the 2nd hour of the show and they still haven’t told this story but we know about Lindsay and Tiger) I mean come on..they are interviewing people to get to the bottom of these stories. Lindsay Lohan’s mom (who is a piece of work herself), a lady that knows everything about Tiger’s now ex-wife and how many credits she has remaining until she gets her Masters in Psychology (she has 40 to get just so you know and you missed the Today show). I don’t understand (maybe it’s just me) why these stories are top news. Are we that shallow of human beings that we make this top priority on the news. Is it to make the regular joe feel better about themselves? ”I was thinking my life was so hard until I heard about Tiger’s woes, I’m glad I’m not him that would just be awful” Is to make sure we have “water cooler talk” at work, on facebook or at the next playgroup. If so, SHEWEE, I am glad we are given these topics to discuss because I wouldn’t want to sit around and talk about the real current events (complete sarcasm there). Do we thrive on other people’s screwed up lives, miscomings, and mishaps?
Would you want the world to know of your divorce, overdose, clothing mishaps, that you had lipo, time in rehab or jail? Not me. It would mortify me. I would hate to have my boob fall out or be hammered and fall down and some putz paparazzi get a picture of it. It’s bad enough when your friend does and it makes it onto facebook. I do not watch Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, read Star etc. because for one I don’t care and two these are people’s lives we are talking about, human beings. I know the celebs will never know that I don’t read about them or watch a certain show to get the latest scoop to find out who has had plastic surgery, botox, butt implant, divorce, went to rehab or who is doing who but that is just a little more privacy for them.
So to the media, E!, sleeze mags and the shows that go along with it…you should be ashamed of yourselves..how do you sleep at night? What if it was you and your family that was in the spotlight and all your dirty laundry exposed? I don’t think you would be such a happy camper then…just say’n.
Things that drive me absolutely Flipp’n Crazy!
1. People that don’t use turn signals.
2. Wet loose hair…GROSS and it gives me the heebe jeebes
3. This one particular sound my son makes..he thinks its funny..it’s like scrapping fingernails on a chalkboard for me.
4. People who are late..be on time..I don’t care if you have 30 kids (the most used excuse) prepare..and be on f’n time.
5. Being lied to..why not just be honest?
6. When you go into a public bathroom, pick a stall and the last person didn’t flush. Seriously? Is it that freaking hard to turn around and push a lever? Lazy ass gross people!
7. Bratty f’n kids that wine, cry, don’t listen, think it’s ok to run around in public, scream, throw temper tantrums etc. I guess it’s not the kid’s fault it’s the parents. (i have kids so i am not a shitty kidless person) Be a parent and discipline your child. Think about the people around you. Yes your kid is cute but when he/she acts like that..not so cute.
8. People that push God down your throat. I totally support your thoughts and ideas and beliefs but leave me to mine…I don’t go to church, I make up my own mind, I know I am a good person and don’t need an organization of mind washed/fucked people telling me how to live me life and what to believe. So yes I don’t know if I believe in god…I’m leaning towards NO.
9. Barny-the purple dinosaur should be shot and every kid that is on the show needs to be placed in therapy.
10. stupid people, dumbshits, douchebags and know-it-alls.
11. People that stalk you as you are walking out of the store for your parking spot. I intentionally take my time packing my car and will kill time in my car because of this. If you have kids in tow or are pregnant completely ok but if you are some lazy fat ass that is just to lazy to walk an extra 20 feet you are waiting for my spot.
12. people in walmart and walmart itself.
13. people that live in this country that don’t speak the language..you live here..it is your home…learn English. AND teach your kid English before sending them to school. I wouldn’t move to Mexico and not know Spanish.
14. Telemarketers. You should be ashamed of yourselves and your job.
15. hair in the bathtub
16. chaos and stagnant time
17. people who are mean for no apparent reason. I did not piss in your wheaties so be nice to me and others. SMILE for goodness sake you are alive aren’t you?
18. forwarded emails that are about religion. I don’t want your God. Quit sending them to me.
19. cleaning..i do not enjoy it at all.
20. people that think it is ok to wear skin tight clothing when you shouldn’t..who told you that you looked ok to go out in public in that? (that was a little shallow of me but it is true)
21. Negative people. Life is too short to be negative and crappy all the time. You are alive, the sun came up, you are breathing…be happy or don’t leave your home.
22. spoiled rotten kids..I am doing my best to not let my kids become spoiled. I have to admit that I was spoiled when I was growing up but yet I appreciated everything I had and do have and did not act like a brat.
23. the kid Nevel on icarly.
24. a bad hair day. Thank god for hats.
25. Nickleback. Seriously stop singing.
26. my dog..he is on my shit list right now.
27. people who are mean to kids..child abusers, rapists, the ones who ‘accidentally’ leave their kids in a hot car and they die…they should be strung up by their balls or if they are women by their nipples.
29. people that talk to me while I am on the phone and say tell them this or that and jump into my conversation. if you want to talk to them hold on and i will give you the damn phone but for now shut the hell up and let me talk.
30. shitty servers and/or bartenders. This is your job, this is what YOU chose to do and make your money now put a flipp’n smile on your face and do your job. I am a great tipper but if I see you doing nothing when you told me you were going to get my kid a refill i’m not tipping you.
sorry, had to get that off my chest….all better now