Stereotypes Exist because They Are Proven Right

This might cross the line or piss someone off but you know what?  I don’t give a damn.  So let’s get started.

Stereotypes and the Feeling of Entitlement

Someone close to me is a bartender downtown.  The bar is not located right on Broadway or 2nd Avenue right in the heart of everything, it’s not on Eighth Avenue it is in Midtown.  Tuesday night she was at work behind the bar when a group of people came in, male and female, majority being male.  They start ordering drinks and shots of Grey Goose and Patron.  One order came in for multiple shots of Grey Goose and a female takes care of the bill…Total Bill $56..Tip amount 0.  It’s last call and she asks them if they would like a last drink.  One man says give me 8 shots of Patron while a another member of the party says “just put it all on one tab and we will split it up”.  She starts preparing the shots and is chilling the shots right in front of the 2 men.  One of them look up and tell her to make sure they are chilled.  Obviously he doesn’t see her right in front of him doing just that.  She takes a deep breathe.  After the shots are chilled, poured and served she tallies up the bill and puts it down in front of one of the men.  Total $212.  He immediately starts questioning why she put all of the drinks on his tab.  She replies because I was told to.  He starts arguing with her saying “Who the hell do you think you are putting them all on my tab”, “who the fuck does that”, “Why would you put them all on my tab?”.  She explains to him, again, that is what she was told to do from the man sitting right next to him.  The man next to him hands the guy $100 in cash.  He looks at it and says thats great but why the fuck is all the drinks on my tab?  By this point she is trying to keep her cool.  Here is a large group of people that has been ordering top shelf drinks all night long and not tipping the entire time and now he wants to argue.  She tries to explain to him once again.  He has now blown up and is yelling at her.  ”Fuck you, You shut your fucking mouth”, “Who the Fuck do you think you are?”.  She then asks them to leave the bar and tells them she will call the cops.  This just angers the man even more and he continues to yell obscenities at her.  Other people in the bar are now telling him to quit talking to her that way and to leave her alone.  He bows up and starts yelling at the people in the bar telling them to fuck off ect.  She then tells them that she is calling the cops and they need to get out of her bar now.  He starts arguing with her about that now.  Finally after way too much time had passed they left.  A man and a woman from the group proceed to their car parked right out front and sit there for the next 30 minutes.  Were they waiting to see if the cops were actually called?  Were they waiting for her to get off work?  I don’t know.  Another man from the group that comes into the bar often comes back in and tells her that she shouldn’t have called the cops and it was the wrong thing to do.  Why?  Does anyone deserve to be spoken to that way?  The answer is no.  She never did call the cops, it was a scare tactic to speed up the exiting process.

Rumor in the bar was the group of men that were in there causing this scene are Tennessee Titans.

With that said lets get into the stereotypes and entitlement.

This is from the bartender venting about that experience at the bar.

The Truth is… Some people are real mother fuckers. I dealt with some real assholes tonight at work, I heard that one or more of them may have been professional athletes. Well, sorry I don’t care who you are, act like an dick face and I will treat you like a dick face. Here’s an idea…Don’t be a dick, be happy that for some reason genetics worked out in your favor and got you out of the projects that should have been your destiny. How about you prove me wrong for a change; be polite, at least pretend like you learned something in college, learn how to say please and thank you and don’t start every sentence “uuhhhhhhhhh…”, T.I.P.S do you know what this means? If I were to paint it on some rims or line the letters with “bling” would you then understand? How about a rap song about what T.I.P.S. means? What IS important to you? I want to be wrong about you, but you just continue to prove all my assumptions right. Rims, jewelry, fancy cars, fancy clothes, gold teeth, “bitches and hos”, pit bulls, etc. Women that fancy you have no self respect. And you should leave the animals out of it, a pit bull is not a status symbol. All these other material items that you find so important are completely trivial, but sadly you may never understand this. You make me angry and I fume inside everytime I encounter you, yet somehow I still feel sorry for you, like maybe its not directly your fault. Whatever it may be just remember, I am smarter than you so please don’t try to argue with me.

Yes that sounds like she is stereotyping all over the place but Stereotypes don’t exist because someone was sitting around thinking them up to be an asshole, they exist because people choose to act a certain way therefore molding to the stereotype.  The people that choose to act this way think they are entitled to.  That is Bullshit.  If you don’t want to be stereotyped then don’t live it and then wonder why you are placed in a certain category.

Do you think anyone would think the above statement is true if it wasn’t proven right on a daily basis?  No.  It doesn’t matter the color of your skin with this stereotype it just is what it is, white, black, purple or orange.  I have been in the service industry and this person has been in the service industry for almost 15 years and it has been proven time and time again.  Ordering top shelf but yet not leaving a dollar, being rude and demanding and again not leaving a tip.  It’s sad that the stereotype is proven right more than wrong.  That’s the thing, if you don’t want to be “stereotyped” in a certain category then prove it wrong, don’t live it.  We all choose to be the people we are, if you choose to be an asshole then guess what, you will be treated like an asshole and thought of as an asshole.  Period.  It’s all in your power.  I don’t give a shit about the color of your skin.

No one is entitled to be a dick, no one ‘owes’ anybody anything except respect.  Everyone is equal..period.  If you feel that it is not equal then that is on you.  I am not knocking a lifestyle, dress, cars or what have you, its about being human and having respect for people around you and self respect.  You want to roll on 22′s, wear the best or whatever thats great but treat others with some respect.  You are not entitled to more than the person next to you.  You both are equal, you both breathe the same air.  It’s about RESPECT.

Spread Your Smile.

First thing first…

I will not be blogging like I normally do on a daily basis any longer.  This decision was made over the weekend.  I have let it somewhat consume me at times and I can’t allow that any longer.  I still will most likely blog a couple times a week and especially when I feel the need to get something out but I will no longer be sitting down every morning and forcing my fingers to type. Instead on the mornings that I don’t post I am going to dedicate that time back to my book “Awakening the Buddha Within”.  I bought this book over a year ago and read half of it and it hasn’t been touched since.  I need to get back on track with myself, my family and my husband.  ……Ommmm…..  I will be finding the inner me again and getting back to what is most important.

A smile..

I was watching the football game last night and it panned to a player on the Jets and it showed him smiling.  For the next 30 minutes I only focused on people’s smiles.  Have you ever realized how infectious a smile can be?  When they put the camera on that player and I saw his smile I couldn’t help but to smile myself.  Not because he was being funny or I thought he was good looking or any of that, it was simply because you could tell that was a genuine smile and it made me smile in return.  We, as humans, do have super powers and one of those powers is a smile.  You can warm a heart with a smile, you can turn a person’s day around simply with a smile, stranger or a friend.  Sometimes that is all one needs in their life at that very moment to make them feel better.  To me that is a super power and to me that is amazing.  So next time you see a stranger walking down the street with a not so happy look give them a smile, you never know you might just turn their day around.

With those 2 things said, remember to always be true to you, take the time to be..

Take the time to find yourself, be true to yourself, make it a point to make YOU happy and the loved ones around you.

And always spread your smile.

Peace.

Delete..Delete..Delete.

Alright let’s see here.  I have had a steady trend this week of negativity.  That sucks, I don’t like to be negative but it happens.  It happens because of asshats that walk the earth, they annoy me and at times they get the best of me and I become annoyed and negative.  That’s not very attractive.

The negativity grew last night as I hopped over to facebook to check in.  UGH.  What people post at times makes me scream in my head WTF and wonder how they function on a daily basis.  That prompted a little house cleaning.  I decided I will no longer except under age friends on there.  I had nieces and nephews in my friend list and found myself having to think of them before I post anything.  Well No More I say!  What I do say is “Delete”.  As I have said before some find facebook as a popularity contest.  I do not.  I went over to the Edit Friends Bar and had a drink or two.  I went down my list and if I read a name that made me think “who?” …. Delete.  If you are still as annoying as you were in high school…Delete.  Then I questioned why the hell I had accepted that damn request in the first place.  I’m such a softie sometimes.  Oh well.  I feel much better now that it is done and hopefully my news feed will be more tolerable for awhile.

I did take great pleasure in deleting one person from my list.  She was one of my sister’s good friends that I didn’t care for from the get go and my sister has finally seen the true light that radiates from her every pore.  She’s a shitty shady human that rubbed me the wrong way from the first day I met her but I always was pleasant and welcomed her because she was my sister’s friend.  She pulled a severe asshole move the other day with my sister and that pushed me over the edge in the like department.  I finally deleted her last night.  No more of her status posts that were always vulgar, gross and just wrong in many ways.  Now I’m no prude.  I enjoy gross humor, a little vulgarity here and there, it takes a lot to gross me out.  She thought she was always being funny but in reality it made her look stupid and like a whore which she is.  So yes deleting her made me happy.

Well Fnkybee why don’t you just delete your account and walk away to avoid the stupids that frequent the site?  Well the answer is quite simple.  I do enjoy facebook for the communication I have with my friends from back home.  Plain and simple and that is all.  So I will keep it around but believe you me, I will be delete happy when need be.

Here’s how this is going on facebook.  I have had a couple of asshat comments.

One more thing that is making me stabby this week is the constant tooth pain that I have from my temporary crown.  I am eating Advil like it’s leaving the Earth tomorrow.  Every 4 hours like clock work I am shoving more down my throat.  If I wait too long to take it the throbbing pain gets so bad it puts me almost in tears and throbs all the way up to my eye.  Yes I need to call the dentist and go back but I am leaving for vacation in 4 days and I’ll be damned if they are touching my mouth to make it sore or worse before I leave.  I most likely need a root canal and I’m stubborn and refuse to go through that before I leave.  I have learned to manage the pain so I will endure it until I return.  I’m tough. Not really that shit hurts.

Ok on that note I am off to be positive Damn It!

My tooth does not hurt, I love everyone, facebook is my favorite place to be!  I’m trying…I’m trying!

 

Yesterday was poopy

Yesterday went to shit real quick but it did have it’s good moments.  The good…the kids were awesome, all day long.  E even took it upon herself to clean her room to perfection and when her room was done she cleaned her brother’s.  I felt her head, checked birthmarks, drew blood and sent it off to be tested and yep, this is my daughter who did this.  I was shocked but very happy.

The bad…

We used to have 2 Krogers here in town, one on my end of town and the other on the other end.  My Kroger was wonderful, it was close, it was never crowded, the employees were so nice, they remembered me and my kids and always offered help.  The other one is awful.  The parking lot is so jacked up the way it is laid out that it is just one big cluster fuck of crap, everyone that works there hates their life for some reason, and all the customers are shit heads.  It’s never a fun experience.  I miss my Kroger so much.  Yesterday I went to asshole Kroger for the first time since mine closed in May.  Nothing there has changed.  The aisles are so narrow that you are always in someone’s way or they are in yours because of the stand alone displays they feel necessary to place in the narrow aisles.  Yesterday numerous times, as I was passing by one of these displays and someone would have to pause for me to get by I would always say “excuse me” with a smile.  What would I get back? A look that would kill me over dead.  I got ONE…ONE response with a smile.  What is wrong with people??  Is life just that bad?  I mean I hate it there too but for the love of god I’m not going to be a complete asshole to everyone.  Geesh!

I had to cancel a hotel reservation that I made with a package deal through them for a family wedding that we are attending in September.  I found out after the fact of making reservation through Expedia, that a block of rooms at the same hotel were reserved for wedding guests at a discounted rate but I need to go straight through the hotel to be able to get the discount.  The first call went smoothly, I thought.  They said the cancellation was no problem at all but they were showing an error with my card for the refund.  My first thought..Interesting because there was no ‘error’ to be found when you were charging it a few weeks ago.  She assured me the refund would take place and a confirmation refund receipt would be emailed to me within 5 to 10 minutes.  An hour later…..Nothing. I make call number 2 to see what the hold up is with my email and come to find out that the error still exists.  After being placed on hold and every 5 minutes the chick getting back on the line to let me know they are still “working” on it, it’s now almost 45 minutes later and she decides that I have been holding long enough and once again reassures me that I will get my refund and should have an email by days end.  Umm…It’s 7:30am the next day and guess what..still no email.  They are messing with my money.  I’m not happy.  So what I will be doing later is making yet another phone call.  Yay me.

I received a phone call yesterday from someone and during the call I was reminded of what a shit head a certain person is.  I had forgotten about a certain “thing” that this person did which is odd because of how much it effects our life.  Out of sight, out of mind I guess.  Once I was reminded of it I was instantly furious all over again.  Grrrr.  This person needs a swift kick in the butt and needs to be reminded how to be a decent human, unfortunately that is completely impossible.  This person will never be a decent human being, it’s been too long.  I need to do an entire venting post on that and might take up an offer that was given to me yesterday to use their blog as an anonymous venting place.  :)

That about sums up the craptastic day that was Tuesday.  Fuck you Tuesday and all your glory bullshit.

I am happy to report that the funk has been lifted off of my sister, or as she put it on my fb “I know I have been a turd much as of late and I promise to put down the turds and I will meet you out at dad’s”  and she is back in action.  We will be meeting at our dad’s later this morning for a little sun, swimming and much catching up.  This is awesome because I was starting to twitch from withdrawals.

There was more to post about but I just looked at the time and I have to roll!

 

Last Night I Stopped and Let Myself Just Be

Last night I stopped and I listened.

I went outside to have a cigarette last night and usually when I go out I have my phone in my hand or my ipad, something to toy with while I am out there.  This has become a habit.  Last night I I went out with neither for the first time in awhile.

It was about 11:00, it was silent except for the summer night bugs singing their songs, there was a breeze blowing.

I sat and I listened.

I listened to the silence which is night.

I listened to the sounds of the bugs that are only out during the summer night warmth.

I listened to the breeze rustling the leaves in the trees.

I watched the breeze blow through the line of trees, jumping from one tree to the next.

I sat and felt the night breeze on my face and I breathed it in.

The breeze was fresh,warm and cleansing.

I cleared my mind of the chaos which life can be.

I let myself just be.

Life, we let it consume us with the daily chaos it can have.

We are always running here or there, worrying about this or that.

All which is most likely insignificant when it comes down to it.

How often do you let yourself just be?

How often do you stop and take in what is around you?

How often do you sit and listen to the night?

The night is a mysterious beautiful time.

All is quiet, the daily hustle is over, the day is at rest.

It’s the perfect time to…

..just be.

Too Lazy to Type..So here’s a Vlog

This am I’m lazy, I’m not going to sugar coat it..I am.  So I snuck out on the patio and now I give you….another vlog.

“F Off”, It’s the theme of the Day

Last night I caught a story on the local news regarding bumper stickers on other people’s cars.  It goes something like this…If you see a bumper sticker on another car driving down the road that offends you, you can report it and have that person fined $50.  Are you Kidding me!  This is asinine and makes me want to purchase and apply a sticker on my rear bumper that reads “Fuck You, You Smell like Monkey Shit”.  OR report a bumper sticker that reads “My son/daughter is an honor student”  because that is telling me you think your kid is better than mine and I’m offended.

Maybe I will go with this bumper sticker.

Next in the same story was regarding in-car DVD players and what you play on them.  If someone is driving behind you or to the side and they can see the movie that is playing and it offends them or they find it inappropriate they can report you and you can be fined.  W.T.F!  Again, this makes me want to ride around with porn playing at.all.times.

When does this shit cross the line?  Now we can’t put whatever we choose on our cars and play what we wish inside our own private property just because Mary Ann who has her head shoved so far up Jesus’s ass thinks it is unchristian like.  Well FUCK YOU.  All these people that get their panties in a bunch because other of people’s actions, words, stickers or movies aren’t what they would choose need to shut the fuck up and get over themselves.  They need to realize that just because they feel they are holier than thou doesn’t mean what they say goes.  So to you people that believe your word goes and you make enough stink and cry hard enough to have changes made to the laws to suit you because you believe it’s right, you can

This goes right along with the holiday celebrations in schools.  You cant’ say Merry Christmas, you can’t have Christmas Parties, you can’t dress up for Halloween etc etc etc.  This shit pisses me off.  It’s all because of whiny ass people who are too fucking sensitive.  If you don’t like it turn your cheek, don’t look, stay home.

Tracy Morgan came to Nashville in the last couple of months and during his show he did a bit about gays.  Well, a dude got all offended and made a such a huge stink about it that Morgan came back to Nashville and apologized.  Now for the record what Morgan said I feel went a tad too far BUT it’s freaking comedy.  Anyone with a bit of common sense knows this.  If everyone said something every time they felt a bit offended by a stand up skit and cried about it then there would be NO comedians.   If you are easily offended, you have no business taking your sensitive ass to a comedy gig Period, Unless you are one of those people that goes around looking for something to bitch about.  I hate those type of people.  They suck.  Morgan’s ordeal is just another example of people being way to sensitive over dumb shit.  Anyone with a brain in their head would understand that were watching a Comedy show.  It would be like me getting pissed every time a comedian said something about “women” or “whities” or “honkeys”.  It’s a fucking comedy show, I’m not going to get my panties in a bunch and cry about it.  Everyone needs to..

I don’t go around criticizing people because they believe something different from me.  Who the fuck am I to judge?  I would never in a million years make such a stink about something that it would take away from someone who believes differently than me or likes something that I don’t.  If you are not physically hurting me, my kids, my family I am a big enough person to turn my cheek with the thinking, “that’s retarded but it is what it is”.  Example: The guys that hang the balls from their truck hitch.  To me that is gross.  I don’t like balls in the flesh and I don’t want to see steel balls hanging from your truck but it is what it is and I’m not going to cry about it so much that they will be banned.  No, instead I pull up behind a truck, see the balls hanging, think “that’s gross, I wonder if he is compensating for something” giggle and then quit looking at them.  Period.  Done.

So to everyone that bitches over stupid stuff…

 

In Your Honor – Always Say I Love You.

This past Sunday, the 29th of May it had been 6 years since I had lost my mom.  I remembered her on Sunday not with tears and sadness but with memories and smiles.  This is the story of how I lost my mom.  I want to share this with you not to make you sad but to let you see how quickly our loved ones can be taken away from us.

This was written Wednesday, December 6, 2006

You must always say I love you. Life is too short not to. You never know when someone will be leaving your life. I have a story for you and I hope it will open your eyes to two things. On May 26, 2005 I got a phone call from my step father. He told me that my mom was not feeling well. She had been having severe headaches for awhile now and she had been to the doctor to get a couple of lumps under the skin removed. She told my sister and I that it was “nothing”. He told me that he had called an ambulance to take mom to the hospital. My sister and I live in Nashville Tennessee and my mom lives in Aurora Indiana. I hung up the phone not knowing what to think. My husband told me to pack my bags and my sister also and head up home because it could be nothing and then again it could be something big. As my sister was walking down the driveway with my 3 year old son I was shaking. She came in and I told her what was going on. We packed up and the kids too ( a 3 year old and a 5 week old) and headed for Indiana. We pulled up out front of my mom’s house around 4 am and my stepdad was waiting for us he had not been asleep. They took her to the local hospital and had ran a CT scan and found 4 spots on her brain. While trying to take this news in I took the kids upstairs and put them to bed and tried to get some sleep myself. In the morning (Friday) I took the kids to my sister-n-law’s house and my sister and I headed to Cincinnati. By this time they had sent her to Good Sam in Cincinnati for further tests. We get to the hospital and she is in the ICU. My sister and I are pretty much freaking out to say the least. My mom god love her says what on earth are you two doing here and where are the kids? I love my mom always worried about my kids. They ran some tests in the morning and before lunch we got news that my mom had 7 brain tumors. This was a total shock because before yesterday there was nothing (that we knew of) wrong with my mom except for the headaches which she covered up nicely. The doctor said that they were NON life threatening and they could be taken care of with surgery and radiation. My sister and I left for lunch feeling a little relieved thinking in the long run she was going to be ok. We got back from lunch and they were wheeling her out for her first radiation treatment and they told us to go along. The three of us went down with her. When we got there the radiologist took my step dad back to talk to him and we stayed out with mom. She was even joking about her tan going away. My step dad came out and told us to come back with him. My heart dropped. The three of us sat down with the doctor and he proceeded to tell us that our mother was covered with cancer from head to toe. She had melanoma. Every organ in her body was ate up. He told us that we had a decision to make. We could go ahead with the treatments but the end result was all the same. Mom could stay with us for two days or with a miracle two months. But it didn’t look good. We made the decision to not do the treatments and put her through any unnecessary pain. We would only be keeping her around for our selfish reasons. That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life, my mother’s fate was put in our hands pretty much. We made the decision to get her home as soon as we could so she could spend her last days in her own home with her own things. I can’t explain to you what was going on in my head. I became numb and stayed that way for about a month. We went home that night to try to get some rest and was called back to the hospital around 12:15 in the morning. The nurse said her pupils weren’t responding and that is one of the first signs that they are going. We all had just got to bed and hopped right back up and I took the keys to drive us up. It was the weirdest drive I have ever made. It was barely raining but there was a very eery silent calm in the air. In the distance I saw lightning and all I could think was that was mom fighting for us. We got there and she wouldn’t even respond to us. No movement but she was still there. We slept on the floor all around her that night. I got up about 8 in the morning and walked in her room from the restroom and she opened those eyes and like nothing happened said what on earth are you doing here this early. She didn’t skip a beat. The nurses said they can’t explain how this happened. They’ve never seen someone start to slip away the way she did and come back like nothing happened. That Saturday was one of the best days. Mom sat up in her bed she ate all day she laughed and cut up with us like nothing in the last two days happened. She just kept saying she wants to go home and that she is so happy that Lindsey (my sister) and I have each other. We had made arrangements for her to come home at 12:30 the next day, Sunday. We had hospice coming to the house to set everything up. Mom was coming home. We left her that night eating her Mentos and watching HGTV her favorite channel. That woman would watch it 24/7 if she could. We told her that we loved her and she was coming home in the morning. We got up Sunday morning and headed up early. When we got there mom was in pain, bad pain. Her head was hurting so bad. We sat there with her for a couple of hours and the nurse gave her some pain medicine and mom wanted to take a nap. We left her at 10:30 to come home and meet with the hospice people. We told her we would see her in a couple of hours. I held her hand and told her that I loved her and she said it back to me and she squeezed my hand. We were at home when we got a phone call at 11:30 saying mom’s vitals weren’t good. Five minutes later they called back and said her breathing was slowing. My sister and stepdad headed up to the hospital and I stayed behind waiting for my grandma and my husband. I called back up to the hospital at 11:46 and she had already passed away at 11:45. The nurses were all in there with her so she wasn’t alone. We were too late. She never made it home.

You never know how much time you have. Always say I love you, even if you are just running to the store and will be back in 10 minutes even if you fighting say it. You never know when its the last time.

Please do not be sad from my story. Just remember…Always say I love you.

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

My mom loved the sun.  She always had a tan.  We were always outside during the summer growing up whether we were on the boat for the weekend or at the pool. Hell, we grew up with a tanning bed in our home.  My mom has psoriasis and the tanning bed helped with that.  With summer upon us and the outdoors being our favorite place to be I ask of you this, please wear your sunscreen, wear your sunhat, protect yours skin.  I suggest against tanning beds now but if you feel you must please do it in moderation.  Melanoma is a deadly cancer when undetected it can consume you, it’s one of the quickest spreading cancers.  I still love the sun but I am smart about it now.  I hope you will be too.  If you see a mole that is suspicious don’t hesitate to get it looked at.  Get your skin checked once a year to be safe.  Melanoma is nothing to be messed around with or ignored.

Friday’s Survival Sarcasm – The Rapture

With the world going to shit tomorrow we will need as many survival tools as necessary.  Thankfully I am here for my people.  Here is your Survival Sarcasm for The Rapture.  Thank you someecards.com for helping us get through this oh so difficult time.

So there you have it people, one of your survival tools for tomorrow.

As always Rock Your Friday!

AND

Rock the Rapture!

Let’s do this.

All it takes is the Month of May & a Trigger.

I really don’t like May in all honesty.  I don’t care for Mother’s day or the end of the month.  The whole month is just one big emotion.

I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when.  It is here now.  All it took was a trigger, that one thing to bring it on.  This year it was a movie.  Just that one little scene and I can’t deny it any longer.  What sucks is that I’m trying to hide it, my kids are home.  I don’t like for them to see me like this.  I don’t like for them to see me cry, I don’t want them to see me being weak.  So I am hiding on the porch praying that I can get through this without them noticing.  I don’t like to talk about it with them.

In 10 days it will be 6 years.  6 years since she was taken away from me and from my sister.  This time 6 years ago she was coaching me with my newborn, Emily was only 4 1/2 weeks old.  She only got to see her granddaughter one time for 3 days.  One time.  Emily was barely 6 weeks old when she went.  It kills me inside.  My heart feels like it is being torn apart in 3 different directions.  It hurts.  As time has passed it has gotten easier but at times like this it hurts like hell all over again.  I can picture her, the image is so vivid in my mind, I hope it never fades.  I miss her so much that I want to scream.  I see her with her smile that could make anyone smile. I see her with her tan, her nails done to a T and her hair with not one out of place.  I want to hear her giggle, her special laugh.  I want to smell her, I want to touch her, I want her hug.  I want to walk with her holding her hand and never ever let go.  I want my mom back.

She would be so proud of me.  She would be so proud of my kids.  She would shower them with so much love and affection.  She would love them like no other could.  They were loved by her and I hope they can feel her love in some little way.  Will has a few memories of her, he was 2 when she passed.  When I hear him talk about her it makes me smile so big and yet tugs at my heart so strong.  I am thankful he had those 2 years and has kept the few memories he has close to his heart.  Never let them go baby, never.  She was a woman who was so strong, she had so much love for me and my sister.  She was the best mom in the world.

I long to hear her say “Jamie Dawn” or “Lindsey Sue”.  I want to hear her say “Hello” in her quirky little way that we only would.  Her favorite saying was  ”Oh shit Oh well”.  Then we would laugh and all was better.

I want to dance with her again.  I want to be in the living room with her music playing and her grab me up off the couch to dance the way her and I would.  It was our dance.  It was our ‘thing’.  I get my love of music and dancing from her.  I thank her from the bottom of my heart for that.

I will always dance…for her.  I want to always dance with my kids.  I want them to “Always Dance Like No One Is Watching”.  Just like my she taught me.

Still to this day I look at the phone wishing I could call her.  We used to talk at least 3 times a day when she was here.  That was and still to this day is one of the hardest things to get used to…Knowing she will never be on the other end again.  She was my mom, she was my best friend.  She would side with me even if I was wrong just so I would feel better.  She would tell me everything was going to be ok and it would.  She would give me a hug and my world was bright again.  She brightened a room with her smile and laugh.  I believe there will always be a shadow in the corner because she is not here to brighten it.  I know that is where she is.

Where ever she might be, I know a part of her is always with me, watching over me, my kids, my family, my sister.

How I miss her.