Past posts brought to their new home.
I am bringing a couple of things to my site that I wrote over the course of 2 years on another blog that I tried to keep. I am bringing them here where they belong with me. Here they are all wrapped up in one post, so this is going to be a long one.
It’s Been 3 Years Written: Thursday, May 08, 2008
It’s been just shy of 3 years since mom has gone and it hasn’t gotten any easier. You would think that time would heal the heart but it hasn’t. Yes, I have accepted that she is gone but it is hard, so hard. A day has not gone by in 3 years that I have not thought of her, her smile, her laugh, the way she would say “Jamie Dawn” or “Lindsey Sue”, the way she would always make me feel better, agree with me even if I was so so wrong. She was not only a mom but my best friend too. She was always there, always. I think back on the 28 years I spent with her, our ups and downs, our fights, our wonderful moments together, our shopping sprees, and just time alone talking. She was the best woman in the world. No one can ever replace her. It gets so hard during this time of the year because of my daughter’s birthday (she was born 5 weeks before mom died and that was the last time I saw her before she went in hospital), mother’s day and of course the day she died, May 29, 2005. Thoughts just rush in and rush out like wildfire. I sit and I weep and then I smile because I know she is ok now and not in pain anymore. She hid the pain so well. She always looked great and acted like there was nothing wrong so Lindsey and I wouldn’t worry. She was so strong. The 2 1/2 years that my son spent with her were so special and believe it or not he remembers her. We have movies of them dancing together like she danced with me and Lindsey. She loved to dance. She would turn music on in the living room and her and I would “dance like no one is watching”. Which is one of my favorite mottos now. My daughter unfortunetly only met her once and spent only a week with her the week she was born. It breaks my heart when I think about that Emily will never know the most amazing woman in the world. She was the best grandma to Will and she loved Emily more than anything. She would have been the best grandma to my kids. She got down on the floor and played and taught Will so many things in his two and half years. She could of taugh Emily so much. My girlfriends will sit and talk and ask me questions about my young years and I don’t know the answers to some of the questions but I mom would know. She isn’t here to answer them. Situations that come up with my children that you would call your mom to ask, I am stuck. Yes, I have a wonderful mother-in-law that is there any time I need her but it’s not the same. I want my mom!!! I miss her so much. I have a great step mom but it’s still not the same. Only your mother can give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be ok and you believe her. Mother’s day is very hard for me. I want to buy my step mom a card and tell her happy mother’s day but I feel like I am betraying my mother. I can’t shake that feeling no matter how hard I try. I can’t do anything to make her come back, I can only remember. Memories are a great thing that no one can take from you. She was taken at such a young age, she had so many great years left. I miss her so. I have my sister with me here and I honestly don’t know what I would do with out her. She is my backbone, my best friend. The best aunt to my kids. I love her so much. I don’t think she realized how much she means to me and my family. For the last 3 years I have had only memories that make me smile and remind me how wonderful my mom truely is. I miss you mom!
As I Sat Here and Wept Written: Thursday, December 11, 2008
My morning did not start off as planned today. I checked my email about 6:45 this morning and had a message that my old friend from school commented on my myspace blog. I went to myspace to see what Adam had said. I have two blogs on my myspace page about my mom. He commented on the second one and said “I read your blogs for the first time tonight and I cried (which is hard for a tough cop to admit). I too have wonderful memories of your mom and our time on Briarwood Drive.” Adam was a very good friend of mine all through middle school and high school. He was always at my house. This touched me so much to know that my mom meant alot to him too. I immediately started to cry, hard. Emotions ran through me like wildfire. I have not cried like that for my mom in awhile. I started to think of all my friends that were there for me through all of it. Friends that I had not seen since high school came to my moms visitation. It meant so much to me to know that they were there. They stayed there with me through the night and the next day. You find out who your true friends are when you need them in tough times. Those who stay by your side and hold your hand truly love you. I honestly don’t know if I could of made it through it without them. I appreciate them so much.
My mom has been gone now for 3 and half years now and I miss her today as much as I did the day she passed away. I have came to terms with what happened but it’s still not easy, I still get angry. I stayed mad at the world and at God for a year. I will never forget sitting in the ICU waiting room and my step-dad’s pastor came to talk to us. (for those of you that know me well know that I am not a religious person, this made me question everything ten fold) She looked at me and my sister and told us that god took my mom for a reason. WHAT! Don’t tell me that. What reason does God have taking my mom! Don’t you think that we need her a little more than he does? I was so mad to hear that. I honestly think that should be banned to say to people. I think now if he did have a reason for taking her away from us it’s so she can watch over us and keep us safe. At least that’s what I tell myself. But I still would rather have her sitting here by me watching me than from up above. I guess I am still a little bitter since I am sitting here crying again and just getting pissed. No one deserves their mother taken away from them. Maybe that just sounds selfish but I really don’t care right now, I want my mom. I want to call her again 3 times a day and here her voice. I was cleaning out a cabinet the other day and found a piece of paper that my mom wrote me a little note on 5 years ago. Why this just appeared I don’t know. But anyway. It was a note that she just left laying around after a visit. It said how much fun she had during the visit and that I am still her baby and she hates leaving me to go home and she just wants to take me home with her. I will keep that note forever. All this emotion is probably due to the time of the year. Christmas is my mom’s favorite time of the year. I think that is why I am so damn anal with my tree because I know it would make her proud. Her tree was always so beautiful. My sister put up a tree this year for the very first time and it is pretty too. What is odd is that she was out here cleaning out Emily’s room last week and brought out a random basket out of Emily’s closet. I was going through it and there was a picture of my moms very first Christmas tree (my mom always took a picture of her tree and wrote on the back the year, this one said my very first tree December 24th, 1972) and it looks exactly like my sister’s tree minus the ribbon. My moms and my sister’s trees were short fat and simple trees. My moms only had ball ornaments on it with a tree topper and my sister’s has ball ornaments on it with the same style and color tree topper. Coincidence? Who knows but I think it is special. My sister needs my mom right now probably more than ever. She is going through a hard time and I know that mom would make everything ok and help her through. I know that Lindsey feels very alone right now and I am doing everything in my power to be there for her but I know it’s not the same. I hope that she can look at her tree and think of mom and know that mom is actually there with her and helping her, Lindsey just has to look inside of her heart and she will find moms love. That is what I do when I need her. My sister and I have became so very close in the past 3 and half years and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her and I think she feels the same. We both try to fill that void for each other.
I love you mom and miss you so much, Merry Christmas.
I love you.
My New Tattoo Written: February 10, 2009
Ever since my mom passed away my sister and I have wanted tattoos in memory of her. I new wanted angel wings with my moms initials but I didn’t want the traditional angel wings, I wanted something different. Every time I went on the internet to get ideas I always came back to the same tattoo, tribal angel wings. I have never seen angel wings done this way and I knew this is what I wanted. I wrote down the web address and we headed to the tattoo parlor after the kids went to bed. I was a little nervous because it’s been 10 years since I have gotten one. We went to Straight Edge Tattoo in Murfreesboro. Lindsey ended up not getting her ‘mom’ tattoo because she wants a big spread on her side and has yet to have someone draw it up for her so she picked something different because she couldn’t let me get tattooed by myself. It’s a bonding thing. This is the second time Lindsey and I have got tattooed together. I took her to get her first one when she was 16, I know I am a great corrupting big sister. Scooter (yes my tattoo artist name was Scooter, fitting isn’t it) put my moms initials together with the angel wings and it looked great. Lindsey, Scooter and I went in a room to figure out where to put my tattoo. I knew I wanted on my back but I was thinking on my other shoulder blade and it was too big to put there so Lindsey suggested across my back because this tatt should be centered. I never pictured myself with a tatt there but it looked fitting there. Lindsey’s guy Paul was ready and so was mine so it was time. Scooter took me in the room and got me comfortable and began. I could here Lindsey getting hers in the other room. Mine took about an hour and it felt like I remembered. It didn’t hurt too bad the middle on the spine hurt the worst but I have felt worse pain. The ends by my shoulder blades was a weird good pain in a way. Lindsey was done before me and came in to watch the rest. Hers turned out great and so did mine. I was impressed. We were giddy like little 12 year old when we were done. They turned out fabulous! I am already thinking about my next one because you know when Lindsey goes and get hers done I have to go with her and I can’t let her get tattooed by herself.
It’s a Happy, Sad, Bitter, Angry, Twisted Day Written: Friday, May 29, 2009
Today it has been 4 years since my mom passed away. I have not shed a tear today as of 5:43 but I also have been preoccupied by my sister, kids other people’s kids, which is great but as I sit here watching the news my mind begins to wonder and think. Now I do have wonderful memories of my mom and I keep those in my mind 24/7 but right now I just find myself pissed..just f’n pissed off. I look at my kids and become sad that they did not get to know the most wonderful grandmother in the world. I miss my mom, my sister misses her, my kids didn’t even get to know her. WTF!
I am taken back 4 years ago yesterday when my sister and I were sitting in ICU with our step dad and his pastor and she had the fucking audacity to tell us that God has a plan for each of us…Really?!?! Does he?!?! She proceeded to tell us after mom had passed that he (God) has a plan for our mother and that is why she was taken from us. Well FUCKING BULL SHIT!!!!!! That line is the biggest crock of shit that has ever been told to me. What kind of plan would he have with a 51 year old woman who has a 28 and a 24 year old and 2 grandkids that need her. WE NEED HER! We still need her even though we manage day to day without her. do you know how many times still to this day that I think oh I could ask mom..well no I can’t because there was a ‘plan for her’ that didn’t include us! That’s just shitty. I want to scream sometimes when there are things that I want to know that only my mom would know the answer to and I can’t call her to find out. I could ask my dad but he wouldn’t know…mom would and she isn’t fucking here anymore. I just want to hear her voice i want to hear her say Jamie Dawn. I want to hear her ask Will if he has his dancing shoes on and I want to watch her dance with him in the living room. Emily didn’t get to have dancing shoes with mama. WHY????? I put my little happy face on and oh yeah everything is just fine and dandy..is it? I still hurt, I still cry, I still scream when I am alone, i still try to talk to her but I get no response. No one knows what it is like until it happens to them. You can say you can imagine but you can’t. You have NO fucking clue what it is like to lose your mom when you are 28 years old. NONE. Until your mom dies and she is no longer there to call to talk to, to vent to, to hear I love you no matter what. Along with being my mom she was my best friend. I told her everything. My heart hurts, it hurts so bad. I miss her so much. My sister hurts even though she doesn’t tell me all the time. I can see it in her eyes, i can hear it in her voice. She was mommies little girl, her sidekick. All that ripped from us. So yes I have the memories but sometimes I don’t want just the memories I want her back with me…here.
So God and his so called f’n plan can kiss my ass.
Posted on September 24, 2010, in all things wonderful, Amazing, Beautiful, Events, family, life, Me, miscellaneous, mothers, Other, Random and tagged beautiful, Blog, Cancer, events, family, Human, life, me, Melanoma, miscellaneous, Mothers, my life, other, Random Thoughts, thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.