Dear Crap Mail Creator, You Suck! Love, Me.

Let’s talk about forwarded emails for a moment or as I like to call them ‘shit mail’.    Along with my “The Mommy Code..It’s Common Sense” book I want to write, I already have an idea for the second edition of the Common Sense Series.  It will be titled “The Forward Email Code..It’s Common Sense”.  Whenever I receive an email that has Fwd: in the subject line the rest of the subject better be damn catchy or it is going in the trash.  I loathe forwarded non funny emails aka shit mail.  I receive many of these shit emails and the majority of the time it is instantly deleted, sent to forwarded email hell where it will burn forever.  This is where it should have been sent to in the first place but there is always somebody that thinks it is a good idea to send it to every single person they know.  These people need to be bitch slapped and woken up from their “Everyone is going to love getting this email!” world.  I hate to tell you but we don’t.  They are stupid, no one reads them.  Whoever comes up with the shit mail now wants to play the psychology card and guilt you into “not breaking the chain” because if you do something horrendous is going to happen to you.  F*ck you Mr. Shit mail creator!  You need to be sent to the same place I send your shitty mind fuck of emails.

Yesterday I had the honor of receiving one of these emails, subject line:  Fwd: I thought of you  (look closely at the picture).  Oh wow this person thought of me today, I’m so special!  No, not the case.  I scroll down to see this picture:

I do not have long blonde hair nor do I have a halo or angel wings coming out my back or best I don’t own a sword so how did this person think of me when looking at this picture?  Am I the bad I’m going to kill you angel or the one praying for her life?  Hmmm…..

This is what it said under the picture:

The President of Argentina  received this picture and called it “junk mail”, 8 days  later his son died . A man received this picture and  immediately sent out copies . His surprise was winning the lottery . Alberto Martinez received this picture,  gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot  to distribute: She lost her job and he lost his family . This picture is miraculous and sacred .

What the crap is that all about?  Thank you for the mind fuck I hope you don’t charge.

Then I was informed that ….. “You were chosen to receive this novena .”  Great!  Who chose me?  Was my name on the master ‘send to’ list?  I’m very doubtful.  I don’t even know what the hell a Novena is.  Let’s learn together.  Definition: a Roman Catholic devotion consisting of prayers on nine consecutive days  Great!  I am not Catholic, hell I am not a religious person, I don’t go to church, don’t wanna, ain’t gonna.

Here is the rest of the email, my comments in red:

The moment you receive it,  say :  First quit telling me what to do!
Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed it be Thy name, Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we  forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but, deliver us from evil .  For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever. Amen .  I don’t pray.

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU, It shall be well  with you this coming year .  Cool!  I have always wanted a side kick!

No matter how much  your enemies try this year, they will not  succeed .
You have been destined to make it and  you shall surely achieve all your
goals this year .  Awesome because I was just going to kick all my enemies in the teeth and run.

For all of 2010, all your agonies will be  diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming  in abundance . Today God has confirmed the end of your  sufferings, sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the  throne has remembered you He has taken away the  hardships and given you JOY . He will never let you  down . . ..  I’m so glad that he confirmed the end of my suffering.  I thought I was pretty freaking happy until I read that.  Shew!

I knocked at heaven’s door this morning,  God asked me. My child! What can I do for you? And I  said, ‘Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message . . . . ‘  I didn’t ask you to knock on anyone’s door.  I hope he wasn’t in the middle of something.

This is a  Novena from Mother Theresa that started in 1952 . It has never been broken . Within 48 hours  send 20 copies (Or as many as you can – God does know if you don’t have 20 people to send it to .
It’s the  effort and intent that counts . ) to family and  friends .  Again, with the telling me what to do.  I don’t know 1 let alone 20 people that wants to receive this shit.  I’m pretty confident that this has been broken at least once in 58 years.  I don’t feel too guilty about it.

This is a powerful Novena . Couldn’t  hurt . Can only help .  Sorry I didn’t know I needed help.

Please do not break it . . Consider it broken.

Seriously who thinks up this crap to send.  I don’t want your God and especially in an email.  If I felt like I needed some guidance via religion I will walk my happy ass to a church.  It’s bad enough that somedays when I get on facebook it’s like a darn church mass.  It’s not only the religion emails it’s all the emails that say you have to send this to x# of people or else.  Screw you and your emails.  I am placing you people in the same category as telemarketers.  You people suck.

Here’s the kicker and coincidence of it all.  I didn’t forward it and soon after my email got hacked and mysterious links got sent out to everyone in my address book.  My punishment maybe?  I don’t know and I don’t really care, thankfully though I have smart friends that knew better than to open them.

There should be rules or better yet common sense laws that need to be taken into consideration before adding 50 people to the forwarding list and hitting send.

1.  Does this email have shocking pictures of people doing complete dumb shit in it?  If answer is no do not forward

2.  Is this in any way shape or form funny?  If the answer is no do not forward

3.  Are the contents shocking, funny or awwe inspiring?  If the answer is no do not forward

4. Does the email contain a funny joke?  If the answer is no do not forward

5. Most importantly ..Pick your ‘forward to’ list wisely, take into consideration the subject of the email and then pick the people to send it to.  Don’t just send it to everyone.

In conclusion…Please take me off of your “Send your shit mail to” list and leave me alone.  If they are funny emails that will make me laugh, bring them on!

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,



About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on October 13, 2010, in Events, humans, Humor, life, Me, miscellaneous, Other, pet peeves, Random, rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Hey, first thanks for your commentary on my jeans post! All very true.
    Second, I loathe the forwarded emails as well. I probably send 4 dirty pics or jokes a year to 5 people total, it HAS to be very good and I choose wisely.
    Third, to eliminate these stupid forwards I have actually warned people and when they violated the rules I actually did stop communicating with them. When they were shocked to find that out I said it was because they simply couldn’t accept the boundaries I set and what kind of friend is that? *silence* but they saw my point and most chose to respect my wishes.

  2. I hate forwards. Hate. Them.

    Lke you said, they’re only ok if they are funny. Really, really funny.

    A friend of mine used to send me text forwards. Really? I’m paying for that crappy text. I’ll send you my bill.

  3. Even if they are really funny, I’d rather not get them. They’re just so damn impersonal.

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