When vulnerability rears its ugly head..
So this is my 99th post which means **drum roll please** tomorrow will be my 100th post! But wait..I might have to do it today because I have weekend guests coming so I might not have the time, OR I will wait until Monday. Oh the suspense for you I know! How can I do that to you? Heehee!
The pressure of the 100th post…self induced of course. Yesterday was a fellow blogger’s 100th post…marinasleeps and she did a great 100th post! I can’t believe that I have even started a blog to begin with, let alone have found 99 things to write about and most of my posts can be categorized as questionable. What really blows my mind is that people actually read it. CRAZY!
Now lets get serious for a moment.
Vulnerability. I don’t like it, I don’t like or enjoy feeling vulnerable. I am a strong girl, high confidence, do my own thing, think my own way so when this weak not so cool of a feeling creeps in I freak out just a bit and it makes me panic in a way. Yesterday I had this feeling for the most part of the day, it made an appearance and decided to make its self at home and stay awhile. When Mr. Vulnerable pays me a visit I feel weak as a person, it makes me question myself and lets certain thoughts and memories come back to the front. I have pushed these thoughts and memories to the back of my head for a reason..I don’t like them, I would like to erase them all together but that seems impossible, believe you me I have tried. What I believe brought it on was a post I read that was referred to me by a friend. It opened up a can of worms in the past department. I spilled it to this friend yesterday after reading that post and whoa! Did she get an ear full or eyes, I should say because it was via email. Anyway…I let her know things that I have only said out loud to a few..meaning my sister and one other friend. What did it was typing it..re-reading it..it made it that much more real. I was a sweaty mess by the end of the email and after I hit ‘send’ I changed my shirt. How gross is that, but obviously it got me working. Like I said, it made it real, and I relived it again in my head. The rest of the afternoon I spent thinking about what I wrote which led to other thoughts that have been pushed back into the dark depths of my brain that no one knows about but me, myself, and I. I am not proud of some things that I have done in my past but it is what it is..it’s my life, it’s my past. Even though I am not proud of some of those things and some of the choices I have made I have realized that the majority of it makes me who I am today. It has made me stronger and it has made me wiser. Where the vulnerability plays a part is with the things and choices that have made me weak in a few departments. Those are the ones that I keep pushed way back in hopes they will vanish and sadly they never do. I do not, I repeat, do not like to feel weak. I do not do or handle weakness well. I thrive on being strong and in control so when I do feel weakness it gets to me, makes me question myself, my past, my choices….my strength. There is a level of guilt that I feel when weakness rears its ugly head, personal guilt. Guilt that comes from “why the hell would you have done that?” “don’t you know what could have happened” “do you understand how lucky you are to even be here?” and “what the hell were you thinking?” Well, I did it, I do know what could have happened (thats the part that creeps me out), I do know how lucky I am to be sitting here now (trust me), and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking but obviously, for some reason, I thought it was a good idea at the time. Stupid young girl. On the positive side, I have learned from those mistakes and choices and even though they have weakened me in couple of places, I have learned and am in the process of building that strength back up. It’s been a long process but I am getting better because when I really think about it it’s just mind over matter. My weaknesses are self caused, they can be fixed…they will be fixed. I am a very lucky girl to have what I have, to have been through what I have been through, to have had the experiences, good and bad, that I have had. It makes me who I am today. As much as it bothers me I chalk it up to life, which leads to knowledge of the ugly side of life. I do feel I have a hand up on my kids as they grow, learn, and start to go through their own experiences in life, good and bad. One thing I wish is for my kids to always be honest with me and come to me with absolutely everything. I have no intentions of hiding my past from my kids, that is a big fat lie..a few they will never know about…but what I will tell them is the lessons I have learned and hope they learn from them. The majority of my dumb moment experiences I can share because they are just ‘young’ mistakes, the majority of us have had them, nothing to hide there. I will be honest with my kids for the most part if they come to me with similar situations they are in. I would rather them not make a lot of the same mistakes I did but it’s part of growing up, finding yourself, learning who you are, learning your strengths and weaknesses…it’s life.
Posted on December 10, 2010, in Events, humans, life, Me and tagged Blog, events, family, Friends, Guilt, Human, Learning, life, life experiences, me, my life, other, past, personal, Random Thoughts, Thought, thoughts, vulnerable, Weakness. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.