When vulnerability rears its ugly head..

So this is my 99th post which means **drum roll please** tomorrow will be my 100th post!  But wait..I might have to do it today because I have weekend guests coming so I might not have the time, OR I will wait until Monday.  Oh the suspense for you I know!  How can I do that to you?  Heehee!

The pressure of the 100th post…self induced of course.  Yesterday was a fellow blogger’s 100th post…marinasleeps and she did a great 100th post!  I can’t believe that I have even started a blog to begin with, let alone have found 99 things to write about and most of my posts can be categorized as questionable.  What really blows my mind is that people actually read it.  CRAZY!

Now lets get serious for a moment.

Vulnerability.  I don’t like it, I don’t like or enjoy feeling vulnerable.  I am a strong girl, high confidence, do my own thing, think my own way so when this weak not so cool of a feeling creeps in I freak out just a bit and it makes me panic in a way.  Yesterday I had this feeling for the most part of the day, it made an appearance and decided to make its self at home and stay awhile.  When Mr. Vulnerable pays me a visit I feel weak as a person, it makes me question myself and lets certain thoughts and memories come back to the front.  I have pushed these thoughts and memories to the back of my head for a reason..I don’t like them, I would like to erase them all together but that seems impossible, believe you me I have tried.  What I believe brought it on was a post I read that was referred to me by a friend.  It opened up a can of worms in the past department.  I spilled it to this friend yesterday after reading that post and whoa!  Did she get an ear full or eyes, I should say because it was via email.  Anyway…I let her know things that I have only said out loud to a few..meaning my sister and one other friend.  What did it was typing it..re-reading it..it made it that much more real.  I was a sweaty mess by the end of the email and after I hit ‘send’ I changed my shirt.  How gross is that, but obviously it got me working.  Like I said, it made it real, and I relived it again in my head.  The rest of the afternoon I spent thinking about what I wrote which led to other thoughts that have been pushed back into the dark depths of my brain that no one knows about but me, myself, and I.  I am not proud of some things that I have done in my past but it is what it is..it’s my life, it’s my past.  Even though I am not proud of some of those things and some of the choices I have made I have realized that the majority of it makes me who I am today.  It has made me stronger and it has made me wiser.  Where the vulnerability plays a part is with the things and choices that have made me weak in a few departments.  Those are the ones that I keep pushed way back in hopes they will vanish and sadly they never do.  I do not, I repeat, do not like to feel weak.  I do not do or handle weakness well.  I thrive on being strong and in control so when I do feel weakness it gets to me, makes me question myself, my past, my choices….my strength.  There is a level of guilt that I feel when weakness rears its ugly head, personal guilt.  Guilt that comes from “why the hell would you have done that?” “don’t you know what could have happened” “do you understand how lucky you are to even be here?” and “what the hell were you thinking?”  Well, I did it, I do know what could have happened (thats the part that creeps me out), I do know how lucky I am to be sitting here now (trust me), and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking but obviously, for some reason, I thought it was a good idea at the time.  Stupid young girl.  On the positive side, I have learned from those mistakes and choices and even though they have weakened me in couple of places, I have learned and am in the process of building that strength back up.  It’s been a long process but I am getting better because when I really think about it it’s just mind over matter.  My weaknesses are self caused, they can be fixed…they will be fixed.  I am a very lucky girl to have what I have, to have been through what I have been through, to have had the experiences, good and bad, that I have had.  It makes me who I am today.  As much as it bothers me I chalk it up to life, which leads to knowledge of the ugly side of life.  I do feel I have a hand up on my kids as they grow, learn, and start to go through their own experiences in life, good and bad.  One thing I wish is for my kids to always be honest with me and come to me with absolutely everything.  I have no intentions of hiding my past from my kids, that is a big fat lie..a few they will never know about…but what I will tell them is the lessons I have learned and hope they learn from them.  The majority of my dumb moment experiences I can share because they are just ‘young’ mistakes, the majority of us have had them, nothing to hide there.  I will be honest with my kids for the most part if they come to me with similar situations they are in.  I would rather them not make a lot of the same mistakes I did but it’s part of growing up, finding yourself, learning who you are, learning your strengths and weaknesses…it’s life.

 

 

About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on December 10, 2010, in Events, humans, life, Me and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Without a vast array of both good and bad experiences ranging the full spectrum, being self-aware and remembering those moments we are doomed to repeat mistakes.

    • Yes, true but hopefully with different outcomes the 2nd time around…well with some. I do not want to repeat a few and I won’t because there is no reason I should ever have to be in a situation to repeat that mistake. If I ever am…place me in straight jacket..immediately. 😉

  2. Sometimes its takes vulnerability to reach out to strength

  3. Oh dear, we are very similar, you and I. I hate being vulnerable, too. I’ve always prided my ability to be the strong one…to be the girl getting everything done without a complaint. So, when Mr. Vulnerability rears his ugly head, I, too, feel like a completely different person. I feel like I can’t function, and that I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I can’t show people I’m vulnerable, I think. If they see me like this, they’ll know I really CAN’T handle everything, and occasionally need some help.

    You are completely accurate when you say all of your experiences make you who you are today. If life were as easy as 1-2-3, you wouldn’t morph and change as a person and learn from your mistakes/achievements. Difficult scenarios show our true grit…however we come out after these times further define us and our character. I wouldn’t be the person I was today if I didn’t stumble along the way.

    Don’t be afraid to open up. You can’t keep up a tough facade all the time, and it is actually freeing to be vulnerable every once in a while. I know it’s a hard task to do, but baby steps, dear…just take baby steps 🙂

    • Your words ring so true. It does make us who we are today..strengths and weaknesses combined.
      I am a super human/super mom 😉 So when weakness appears it’s tough it doesn’t play well with my super humaness! haha!

  4. “If we want to reclaim courage and compassion in our families, schools, organizations, and communities, we must open our hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about vulnerability and imperfection. Our imperfections are not flaws; they are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Vulnerability may be at the core of fear and uncertainty, but it is also the birthplace of courage and compassion – exactly what we need to help us stop lashing out and start engaging with the world from a place of worthiness; a place where empathy and kindness matter.” Brené Brown

    Your blog made me think of this quote. 🙂 I absolutely love, love, love this quote. Particularly the part about vulnerability being at the core of fear and uncertainty, but also the birthplace of courage and compassion. I think that you have realized this in your blog, because you have decided to use your vulnerabilities to help your children when they stumble upon their own weaknesses with compassion and love and understanding. That is truly what vulnerability is about. Using your weaknesses to form bonds of help and love and trust with others who are close to you.

    • Thank you so much for the nice comment. That is a beautiful quote and it is so true and I thank you for sharing it with me. Your comment ranks as one of the best comments I have received since starting this blog! Thanks again!

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