It starts with a dream in the night..

Dreams.  Last night they kicked my butt, they were so vivid, real and creepy.  All night long I dreamt but it was this morning that got the best of me.  I woke up just after 7 and fell back to sleep.  In that next hour I will have a dream so real, so vivid I will awake with tears in my eyes and all choked up.  I hate that.  That is not the very first thing I want to do when I start my day..cry.  I had a dream about my mom.  It wasn’t the feel good dream that is full of a great memory, no it was an evil dream.  In my dream she was supposed to be meeting somewhere and she didn’t and as I was walking past a place there she was.  I confronted her on why she did not meet me and she did nothing but yell at me.  Telling me she didn’t want to and my step dad just stood there with his hands in his pocket siding with her.  Then she kept walking away, running at times trying to get away from me all the while saying “get away”, “go on”.  What the hell does this mean?  Then the dream changes and I am in a house full of friends and strangers.  This dream took place in a more current state, my mom was not alive, it was very soon after she passed away, there was much chaos, more negative thoughts.  I will spare all the insignificant details but towards the end of the dream my good friend Christy, from up home, and I were sitting on the floor against a wall and she looked at me and with tears in her eyes said “how do you handle all of this”.  I know what that meant..how do you deal with the pain, the emptiness, the chaos of life, the kids, the family, consoling everyone, trying to be perfect, trying to be there for every single person, trying to do every. single. thing.  In my dream after hearing that I remember looking at Christy and crying..finally breaking down.  I could feel myself as I dreamt start to choke up, couldn’t breathe.  I awoke to tears running down my cheeks.  I do not enjoy dreams like that, it puts a damper on the day.  I cannot shake it.

My guess on what this all means is that it is coming.  What I mean by that is my christmas breakdown is coming.  Every year it happens, I can’t control it, it just happens and thankfully it happens a couple of days ahead of time and not on Christmas day.  The sadness of missing mom comes to surface.  Christmas was her favorite time of the year.  Seriously, her house looked like Christmas Land….it was beautiful.  Her tree decorated beautifully, sometimes two trees, every decoration perfectly placed around the house, christmas music playing the whole season.  It was her time.  Always with the tasteful christmas sweater and christmas socks.  She had this garland that had bells on it and it was strung down the staircase.  I hated this garland because it drove me crazy but now I would do anything to have it.  You could turn this garland on and it would play christmas songs with the bells.  She would turn it on and my sister and I would roll our eyes and give her (jokingly) a hard time about it.  We would laugh and sing along with it and then when she wasn’t looking turn it off.  She would get so mad at us.  Christmas was my mom.  She tried every year to make it the best Christmas ever.  I know I get some of my “everything has to be perfect at xmas” from her.  I think it is my attempt to keep her alive especially during this time of the year.  I fear for the year I don’t have my breakdown.  I know that sounds crazy but it’s true.  I fear that if I don’t cry whether it be xmas, her birthday or the time of the year that she passed that it will mean that I will forget.  I know this isn’t true but it’s the way I feel.  I never want to forget, I never want to feel that I have fully lost her.  I feel when I have my breakdown or let myself grieve it brings her close to me for just a moment again.  I talk to her, I let her know I still think of her and I still love her and most of all how much I still miss her.  I fear that if I don’t I will lose her.  I never want that to happen.  I never want to lose that feeling as weird as that sounds.  It scares me.  If I get too comfortable with the fact that she is gone I feel I will lose her again and this time forever.  Even though she is with me everyday in my heart when I do cry I feel just a bit closer to her.  Maybe it is in hope that I will feel her embrace to console me, to let me know that it is ok..that she is ok where ever she is now.  Here it comes..full force.  It is so hard to sit here and type this and keep it together as my family sits around me.  I keep wiping the tears before they make a run for it down my cheeks.  I don’t want to be a drama queen, I don’t want them to have to stop what they are doing to console me, to think ‘there goes mom again crying’.  God damnit!  Its fucking hard.  They are leaving in 5 minutes..if I can just keep it together until then.

I remember as I sit here now by myself our Christmases together.  There was one year that we went down to my grandmas and that year my grandma had gotten my cousin a karaoke machine.  My mom and aunt tore it up on that darn thing all evening long.  They both stood there with almost the exact same hair, both dressed in red and black..not planned this just always happened..and they sang and they sang and the kids rolled their eyes, and they sang and the adults would crack up.  I have this on video and when I break it out I too now crack up with tears.  It’s funny because like I had just mentioned her and her sister were dressed almost the same without planning it.  My sister and I do this too, so often that in the past if we were going out we would call each other and ask what the other was wearing to avoid going out in public looking like we had planned it.  There were times that I have shown up at her house and she would have to change because we were wearing almost the exact same thing.  So weird.  I swear at times that we are twins just 4 years apart, we share the same brain at times and we both have made the comment of we are the same human.  We go out and people will ask if we are twins..Huh?  We never looked alike until the last 5 or so years.  It’s pretty cool though.  My point of all that is my mom and her sister had the same sort of connection.  One of the last things my mom said to us was “I am so glad I had you two girls and you have each other”.  Me too Mom…me too.  I wonder if my sister has these same breakdowns as I do.  We don’t talk about it too much.  She isn’t one to cry or let people see her cry.  I know she hurts and sometimes I wish she would tell me about it.  For one so she can release some of the pain that she harbors and two to let me know I am not alone in this pain that surfaces from time to time.  I try so hard at Christmas to give my sister a great holiday, to make sure she gets what she wants and most of all what she needs.  I play the mom roll.  I feel like it is my duty to make up for the slack so to speak.  I know I don’t have to and she doesn’t expect me to but I feel like I need to and most of all I enjoy it.  It warms my heart knowing I can do this for her.  I am thankful that I have the means to make her wish list come true.  I am thankful that my husband thinks of her as his true sister and loves her like she is his own blood and makes it a point to include her and welcome her as part of our little family of our own.  We are not just a family of 4 we are a family of 5.  My mom would be proud of the family we have today, she would be proud of my kids and would shower them with the same amount of love that she showered us with growing up, she would be proud of my sister and the woman she has become, she would be proud of my husband and this wonderful full life he provides us with..I know where ever she is she is looking down on us with a big smile and all the love she can.

I love you Mom…Merry Christmas.

 

About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on December 23, 2010, in life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I’m so sorry. I have very vivid dreams too and they are not
    always nice. Waking up with all these emotions inside, esp when
    you’ve already suffered most of these feelings already. It very
    hard, I know. My prayers are with you. AJ

  2. The dreams after you wake up and then go back to sleep are always the worst.

    Don’t worry about the year that there’s not a breakdown. It doesn’t mean you forgot her. And she knows you’ll always love her.

  3. I can totally relate. We buried my mom 3 1/2 years ago – the day after Mother’s Day. Holidays aren’t the same anymore.
    I’ve had those dreams, too.

  4. Okay, you talk about waking up crying…talk about crying after reading a blog post! What a wonderful tribute to your mother…she definitely seemed to embody the Christmas spirit. My mom would always wake me up for school each morning by playing Johnny Mathis on the CD player downstairs. Every time I hear one of his carols, I always am brought back to my childhood.

    Keep your chin up…your mom is still very much with you as long as you keep her memory alive!

  5. You have softened this ole Grinchs heart.
    I totally know what you mean. You’re not alone. My mother in law was a mother to me. And every time we face a holiday, its gut wretching. I especially know on my husband.
    Beautifully written and expressed.

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