Becoming Numb…again.

I want to be numb, I will be numb.  2 blows in a week.  Cancer.  I hate it and I can’t stress that enough.

Today started off good, I was in a good mood, the kids were happy and I am having an extremely good hair day.  Yes a good hair day and it warrants an evening out.  If you would have asked me this morning that would have been the reason behind wanting to go out tonight.  Now that the day has progressed I want to go out so I can become numb.

Monday my sister’s best friend, who is also my friend and might as well be my own sister had a full hysterectomy due to what they thought was ovarian cancer.  During surgery they found a tumor the size of her stomach, 2 spots on her vertebrae, a spot on her pancreas, a spot on her liver and appendix and a couple of other masses.  The spot on her pancreas changed or I should say questioned the doctor’s diagnosis.  He has never seen ovarian cancer spread to the pancreas which now makes him think it is pancreatic cancer….not good.  They biopsied the spot and sent it out of state, the waiting game has begun for the results.  So in addition to a full hysterectomy they also removed her appendix and the other masses they found.  She is 29 years old.  This is not cool.  My sister needless to say is a hot mess and is questioning herself being able to deal with this again if it takes a turn for the worse.  We lost our mom 5 years ago to cancer suddenly which is why she doesn’t know if she can handle this again.  Happy thoughts…positive thoughts.  That’s all we can do right now.  I worry.  I worry about our friend, I worry about my sister.  I am finding my strength once again for her.

To top that news off I was aware that my step uncle was under observation for cancer as well, cancer of the bile duct in the stomach.  He went to the Mayo Clinic to start chemo, or he thought.  After further observations there at the clinic the outcome is not good.  They can do nothing, it is too far.  He now has 8-12 months to live…he is 55.  His cancer is so rare that the normal yearly checkups did not catch it, nor any symptoms he had warranted an alarm.  My stepmom just lost her dad last year to cancer and her mom 2 years before that.  We have officially become “the other people” that this happens to.  This sucks.

It makes me mad, it makes me sad.  It makes me angry and once again question even the thought of a god.  You listen to people say God will see you through, God will heal, God will make everything ok.  Really?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I am sorry but I call bullshit once again.  If there was such a God then he wouldn’t let this happen to people.  He would heal and not let them die.  He would take away their pain and make everything ok.  I have yet to see this happen.  And NO taking them away from us does not mean ‘He is making it ok an curing their suffering and putting them in a better place’ Fuck that, that’s bullshit.  This is one reason that I believe there is no God.  There fucking can’t be.  If he so fucking great then this shit wouldn’t happen.  It would be the douchebags that are loading our prisons, the child molesters, murderers, rapist that would have this shit happen but No they are sitting in there wasting space and human life being healthy.  I call BULLSHIT!

*If I offend you I am deeply sorry but this is how I feel*


About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on December 30, 2010, in life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I am so deeply sorry to hear you speak of this unbearable emotional pain. Yell, scream, do whatever you need to do to get through this. For you will need to be that same person that you have always been to your fiends. You have always cared about your friends as they are a huge portion of your life. And yes, I too have asked many times why the horrible monsters of the world never get cancer or some other debilitating disease. I have not received an answer as yet. So I keep asking. Although I falter, I keep having faith. If I could, I would send you strength.

  2. agree with barb, she wrote it perfectly. happy thoughts,
    love and prayers sent to your family.

  3. You have a right to be angry, dear. Sometimes things happen in life that have absolutely no rhyme or reason behind them…I have to believe that there are some things that even God has no control over. Sometimes, we can’t change our situations, and quite often, that results in anger and frustration. I guess the best advice to give is to be there for that person as strongly as you can be. Be the light for them, as they begin to deal with things no one should ever have to deal with. You were put in their lives for a reason…you just may be the one good, shining thing in their life right now.

    Hang in there, hon. You know you’ve got a wealth of people on here that are pulling for you and your friend.

  4. Thanks girls for your kind words. It means a lot. It’s a new day with good thoughts!

  5. She’s 29? I’m 29. So scary.

    My thoughts are with you and your family!

  6. Great post. I just stumbled on here as I was writing a post about my dad’s possible pancreatic cancer and he refuses to have a second biopsy. I am so angry. I totally feel for you. There is no god really. My dad had bladder and prostate cancer two years ago and the surgery got everything but during a yearly checkup they saw something on his pancreas. He is so depressed and feels like he can’t take any more and I feel the same way.

    How many cancers is enough for one single person.

    I hope your friend will be okay. I would pray but I don’t believe that would do shit.

    • Thank you. I am very sorry to hear about your dad’s past battle with cancer and now again. It saddens my heart for both you and your dad. I hear the anger in your words and believe me I still have the anger too. Cancer is a bitch and I still don’t understand it. When is enough enough. My mom was 51 when we lost her suddenly, we found out she had cancer and 2 days later we lost her. I had so many tell me that god had a plan for her and all this and that. It’s all shit.
      Stay strong for your dad and for yourself. I hope he beats it yet once again. My thoughts are with you both.

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