Extreme Actions: Booze, Billy Mays & a Penguin.

Today might end up being the longest day known to man.  Another snow day and this time around I have an extra child here.  Which is great for my kids, it gives them someone to play with but for me it’s an extra mouth to listen to and feed.  I just love 8 year olds mouths..’crap’, ‘freaking’, ‘idiot’, ‘sucks’.  I might break out the soap today and make them eat it.  I totally get why my mom and dad got on us all the time when we said these kind of things..I have totally turned into my mother.  Lord.  It gets old and it gets old quick, it’s one thing to listen to your own child try to get away with it but when the extra child does the same thing my skin starts crawling and it goes straight through me.  This extra child took it upon himself to call last night at 5:00 and ask if he could spend the night.  I immediately thought ‘NO’ but my husband said ‘just let him’.  Ok fine.  You say just let him because you get to escape to work, I on the other hand, have to stay in this house with them all..day…long.  He gets here about 5:30 and I’m cooking dinner, I walk back and ask if he had ate and his answer is no.  I’m about to go through the roof.  Not only did he call to ask if he could spend the night now I have to feed him along with feeding him all day today.  *I sound like a total bitch but I really don’t care*  I’m sorry but if my child is going to a friend’s house anytime after 5 I am feeding him before I take him.  Just common courtesy.  Now in the mother’s defense, she doesn’t know that he calls, he takes it upon himself to pick up the phone and she texts me afterwards and asks if I am sure it’s ok.  Well at this point it has to be doesn’t it or I’m crushing two 8 year olds.  And I know that if my son called up there she would allow him to stay.  But you see this is not how I operate or allow my kids to operate.  They do not touch the phone unless they ask me first and they have to tell me who they are calling.  (I say they but really it’s just my 8 year old, my 5 year old doesn’t call anyone but my dad)  One of my biggest rules is you NEVER call and invite yourself anywhere, it is rude.  I had to have a talk with the boys over the summer for this exact reason.  That’s all they did and even though I know 95% of the time I would be ok with him coming down and vice versa with the other mom, but it’s the principle.  It’s rude and annoying and I don’t play that game.  Obviously this friend has forgotten all about the talk we had and has been abusing this frequently as of late.  It’s time to have the talk again.  Sad that I have to be the one to do it when IT’S NOT MY CHILD!

So needless to say this is going to be a long freaking day and I might just have to break open the bottle of Boone’s Farm that is in my fridge that I got for Christmas as a gag gift.  It might be the only way to keep my sanity.  So I will drink and listen to “dude!”, “This sucks”, “Mom, will you get E out of my room, she is being annoying”, watch the friend play the xbox (he has taken it upon himself to buy his own games to play on my our xbox) and try real hard not to slit my wrists.  If you don’t see a post tomorrow please send help because I’m either still hammered and incoherent, rocking in a corner somewhere sucking my thumb, or I just simply didn’t survive.

 

A bottle of MD 20/20 would totally complete the day!

 

 

Not my sink but I do have a fish bowl by mine and it looks just like this right now! Whore.

 

So yesterday I had the realization that my kitchen sink is nothing more than a whore.  Every time I would walk in the kitchen it had given birth to more dirty dishes.  Not just a plate here or a glass there..no, it was having triplets by the hour.  What the hell?  It obviously needs the birth control pill, the depo shot, and a female condom.  The slut.  I had a talk with the kitchen sink about her promiscuity and that she needs to stop it.  Doesn’t it know it can STD’s if you don’t take proper precautions?  Obviously not.  So I cleaned her up and sent the new born babies to the orphanage aka dishwasher so they can get the proper care that they need and be adopted out to the proper cabinets in a timely fashion.  Well let me just tell you, she did NOT listen.  I walked in the kitchen this morning and she has been very busy over night.  Baby dirty dishes in both sides and they were now starting to accumulate on the counters!  The Whore!  She totally ignored any information I gave her yesterday on STD’s because now there is an odor coming from her..a fishy gross odor.  I am just disgusted by her behavior.  It’s time to get her fixed.  Extreme measures are in order.  She will learn her lesson or she will die a painful slow death.

Maybe I need to bring Billy May’s back to talk to the whore..She might listen then. He could totally Oxy Clean her sink vagina.

Another problem I have right now is holey socks.  I don’t realize I have holes in my socks until I walk out into the garage on the cold concrete floor and suddenly think…”why is there one spot on the bottom of my foot that feels like an icicle now?”  Sad I know.  I hate buying socks, I don’t know why, you get like 14 pair for 7 bucks but I just never think to buy them while I am out.  You see, the majority of the time I get my socks at Walmart (my good old hanes socks, when I don’t need anything fancy) and socks is usually the last thing on my mind when I go there.  Why? You ask.  Well because I am usually too busy cussing people under my breath when I am there.  Silently telling people “get the fuck out of my way”, “move bitch, you can talk to her some other time”, “shut your f’n kid up”, “you really shouldn’t be wearing that, it’s just wrong”, “How in the Hell did you manage to squeeze your body into those pants”, “get your little scooter out of the middle of the aisle, the only reason you need it is because you weigh 500 lbs so flipping exercise!”, “Smile, you work at Walmart, yes your life sucks but you have a job don’t you?”  *how shallow am I right now   😉   Just go with it and let me have this*

 

I need to remember this the next time I'm shopping at Walmart.

So I leave you now with a few funny cartoons I came across so I can go finish my coffee and start drinking to ensure my sanity for the remainder of the day.  Don’t forget to send help if you don’t see a new post by tomorrow afternoon.  I think I will drink and beat up my kitchen sink.

This will be me here in a bit.

I'm sure after enough Boones' Farm this will be completely appropriate to make later.

My state of mind by the end of the day.

The way I pick my friends..this includes alcohol consumption.

Have a great day!

 

About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on January 11, 2011, in life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. This…is…your…best…post…ever. For SO many reasons…I know EXACTLY what a bottle of MD 20/20 looks and tastes like, and yes, I also received it as a gag gift!

    My kitchen sink needs to meet your kitchen sink. They could be whores together, open up a brothel, and somehow be more productive than the filthy strumpets they are.

    I love Cyanide and Happiness. AND, I love this post.

  2. “So yesterday I had the realization that my kitchen sink is nothing more than a whore.”

    I cracked up at this!

    Don’t feel bad about the not wanting the extra kid. There are as many drawbacks as advantages.

    • Haha! I’m glad it made you laugh! I was in rare form this morning!
      Oh drawbacks among drawbacks. I am now counting down the minutes until he goes home. E asked me “is he spending the night again?” (bc we most likely won’t have school again tomorrow) and the answer was NO!

  3. Hilarious!
    I totally think like you at Walmart …you see some the strangest, dumbest, and annoying people at Wal Mart. Low prices attracts them I guess.

    I will def look for you tomorrow.
    Beer will solve whatever is ailing you tomorrow!

  4. What a great introduction to the Fnk. The sink whore part really got me, and the Billy Mays pic (RIP) sealed the deal. We basically have a whore house: whore sink, whore drawers, whore closets, whore laundry baskets. Just whorish.

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