All it takes is the Month of May & a Trigger.

I really don’t like May in all honesty.  I don’t care for Mother’s day or the end of the month.  The whole month is just one big emotion.

I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when.  It is here now.  All it took was a trigger, that one thing to bring it on.  This year it was a movie.  Just that one little scene and I can’t deny it any longer.  What sucks is that I’m trying to hide it, my kids are home.  I don’t like for them to see me like this.  I don’t like for them to see me cry, I don’t want them to see me being weak.  So I am hiding on the porch praying that I can get through this without them noticing.  I don’t like to talk about it with them.

In 10 days it will be 6 years.  6 years since she was taken away from me and from my sister.  This time 6 years ago she was coaching me with my newborn, Emily was only 4 1/2 weeks old.  She only got to see her granddaughter one time for 3 days.  One time.  Emily was barely 6 weeks old when she went.  It kills me inside.  My heart feels like it is being torn apart in 3 different directions.  It hurts.  As time has passed it has gotten easier but at times like this it hurts like hell all over again.  I can picture her, the image is so vivid in my mind, I hope it never fades.  I miss her so much that I want to scream.  I see her with her smile that could make anyone smile. I see her with her tan, her nails done to a T and her hair with not one out of place.  I want to hear her giggle, her special laugh.  I want to smell her, I want to touch her, I want her hug.  I want to walk with her holding her hand and never ever let go.  I want my mom back.

She would be so proud of me.  She would be so proud of my kids.  She would shower them with so much love and affection.  She would love them like no other could.  They were loved by her and I hope they can feel her love in some little way.  Will has a few memories of her, he was 2 when she passed.  When I hear him talk about her it makes me smile so big and yet tugs at my heart so strong.  I am thankful he had those 2 years and has kept the few memories he has close to his heart.  Never let them go baby, never.  She was a woman who was so strong, she had so much love for me and my sister.  She was the best mom in the world.

I long to hear her say “Jamie Dawn” or “Lindsey Sue”.  I want to hear her say “Hello” in her quirky little way that we only would.  Her favorite saying was  “Oh shit Oh well”.  Then we would laugh and all was better.

I want to dance with her again.  I want to be in the living room with her music playing and her grab me up off the couch to dance the way her and I would.  It was our dance.  It was our ‘thing’.  I get my love of music and dancing from her.  I thank her from the bottom of my heart for that.

I will always dance…for her.  I want to always dance with my kids.  I want them to “Always Dance Like No One Is Watching”.  Just like my she taught me.

Still to this day I look at the phone wishing I could call her.  We used to talk at least 3 times a day when she was here.  That was and still to this day is one of the hardest things to get used to…Knowing she will never be on the other end again.  She was my mom, she was my best friend.  She would side with me even if I was wrong just so I would feel better.  She would tell me everything was going to be ok and it would.  She would give me a hug and my world was bright again.  She brightened a room with her smile and laugh.  I believe there will always be a shadow in the corner because she is not here to brighten it.  I know that is where she is.

Where ever she might be, I know a part of her is always with me, watching over me, my kids, my family, my sister.

How I miss her.

About Jamie

Taking my time through this A-Mazing thing called my life. I'm the owner and photographer at The Adore Girls here in Nashville TN. Life is what you make of it and I am making mine...AMAZING!

Posted on May 19, 2011, in family, life, Me and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. In no way can I relate… but when Gus lost him mother two years ago. It didn’t just affect him,it affected me too. Because I love her like my own mother. Your right. You never forget and it doesn’t get easy but you learn to deal with it each time.
    In my mind, I can’t have any more kids because she wont get to meet them.
    Yesterday I was walking through our house and I ran across a big picture we have of her hanging in the hall way. I straightened it and I wished I could hug her again and hear the little things she would whisper in my ear.
    I catch her boys sounding exactly like her or her sister laughing like her and I cry. Because death is the most horrible thing in the world. It takes away and leaves that empty presence.
    Yet, I don’t want that presence to ever leave, so I talk about her. I remember her. And I say hello to her everyday.

  2. firecracker3

    😦 I remembered from last year when I used to read your blog how you dislike this month and even wondered how things were this year…having “your moment” alone with the thoughts and memories and feelings is a good thing, a healthy thing. Many hugs!

  3. BIG HUGS sweet friend. That kind of hurt just SUCKS… there’s no way around it. I’m sorry that it’s so damn hard.
    Just one thing… don’t equate “grief” with “weakness”. You are WAY strong. You loved deeply… and it HURTS when someone you love is gone. Feeling sad doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human and BIG HEARTED!

  4. ” “I want to hear her giggle, her special laugh. I want to smell her, I want to touch her, I want her hug.”
    You are making me cry. I understand. I will NEVER stop missing my sister. NEVER. Until I take my last breath. I shall NEVER release her.
    Thinking of you today. xxXX

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