Category Archives: Friends
Last night I received a phone call from a friend from back home. She is going through a difficult time right now, she lost her dad suddenly just over a month ago. Her and I are friends on facebook of course and her status updates crush my heart at times because I know exactly what she is going through from her head to her heart. She contacted me through facebook saying she knew I would know what she is going through and if I had any advice for her. I was touched. I told her to call me or the message would be a novel. She did. We talked for over an hour about her struggles, her emotions, her anger, her heart. I told her it would get better. When you lose someone like a parent that is the last thing you want to hear. I know this from experience. Someone would tell me that I wanted to punch them in the face. I told her I know how it makes you feel when you hear this but to know it is the truth. It won’t be better tomorrow, it won’t be better next month, it might not even be better in a year but eventually it does. It took me 2 years after my mom passed for it “to be better”. I reassured her that I did not want to scare her with this information because her time will be different than mine, but it will happen. You must be strong but you must let yourself grieve…deeply. That is why it took me so long because although I did grieve I didn’t let myself grieve deeply for almost 2 years. I was too busy being strong for everyone else, being a mother and wife to look into myself and deal with the pain. I look back and the 2 years that I was a walking robot, numb and just going through the motions and it is a blur. A complete blur. That is not healthy. You must dig deep within yourself and let it out, let it go. Not let go of the person, the memories, and the love but let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain of your loss. That is what gets in you and eats you up inside, it’s what makes you numb. Everyone has their own timeline when dealing with a loss, for some it’s easy to get through and for some it crushes them down to where they can’t function. You have to find a balance. You have to take care of yourself, you have to deal with what is inside of you to move on.
She has been struggling with the fact that no one knows what she is going through. They say they can assume but really, unless you have been through it yourself, you don’t know. What makes her and I’s stories unique is that we lost our parents when they were still young and very suddenly. It’s not that our grandmas passed away after a full life of 80 years. No, our parents were in their 50’s with grandbabies, with their own kids that still needed them. People don’t understand the hole that is created in your heart when this happens.
Through the entire phone call I could relate to every single word she said. I had been there, I had felt the pain, I had felt the anger. I have been through wanting to shut the world out because you don’t want to hear what they have to say from it’s going to get better to everyday comments in a conversation about other people’s parents who are still with them. You can become very bitter towards people. It’s a hard thing to do at the time but you have to learn how to turn a cheek and smile and nod. It’s easier said than done when you are grieving but you have to learn how to do it.
As we were getting off the phone I told her to call me anytime, whether it was to just talk about everyday life, to vent, to cry or to scream, my phone was always on. I told her to take care of herself, to make sure to let herself grieve. I reassured her that it is ok to cry, it’s ok to scream and hate the world but just not to let the hate consume her. I told her that still after 6 years I still cry on random days, I still cry on her birthday, on certain holidays. It’s ok to do that and not to ever let herself think differently.
She said to me “I’m putting your number in my phone as ‘My Angel’ because you truly are my angel”.
I got goose bumps and cried.
It’s hard to watch someone you care about get sick, to wither away down to nothing, to try to stay strong for everyone around them, but yet get tired of trying. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle with watching this happen to someone close to them. You watch their face change from day to day with the ever changing news from good to bad to good to bad.
What I am talking about is my sister and her best friend’s struggle with Ovarian Cancer, we will call her BC. When I see my sister stressed out from worry, I feel it too. I worry about her and what is going through her mind…the stress, the worry, the concern, the sadness, the empty feeling that is growing in her heart, the hope that she has and the want for that to stay strong. BC was my sister’s best friend since the day she moved here. BC has become part of our family, she has become like a second sister.
BC is in an awful battle with ovarian cancer but is also struggling with staying strong…putting up the fight that it takes to make it through. BC has had a rough road as of late with multiple hospital stays, the last two lasting 2-3 weeks each. She is struggling with her weight, she is down to 85 pounds. She is struggling with the Chemo treatments, keeping food in her system, hydration etc. She no longer wants to get out of bed for a short walk around her apartment. Yesterday my sister got a phone call from BC saying she hasn’t been feeling well and she has decided to go to the doctor to see what is going on again. She called back after going to the doctor to tell my sister that she is being admitted once again to the hospital and asked her to come sit with her while her boyfriend and sister go home to pack for the stay. We were in a store finishing up some shopping with this call came in. On the way home my sister received another call from a friend explaining the truth behind the hospital admittance. I hear my sister in disbelief in the backseat, my heart dropped, my mind went to the worst news, I drove in silence waiting for the call to end to be updated. We arrive home and she hangs up with her friend and she is livid. My stepmom and I ask what is going on and brace ourselves for bad news. The truth was that BC had begged to be admitted to the hospital. My sister is shaking with anger, BC has given up and wants to be in the hospital. BC is surrounded by people that love her, that are asking her to stay strong and fight. BC has fought, she has fought long and hard but she is becoming tired. That is to be expected.
The question is when as a friend do you cross that line and get in her face and let her know that she must not give up..she must keep fighting. Is it completely out of line to tell BC to quit being selfish and fight not only for herself but for everyone around her?
BC agreed earlier to seeing a counselor to help her mind through this. She has yet to talk to anyone, she has also stopped taking her depression medicine. This is not good. BC can be a handful when she is not in a good mood (which woman can’t be) and of course everyone around her is trying to keep her as happy as can be. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when do you say enough is enough and take the chance and intentionally piss her off and say point blank..You will talk to someone whether you like it or not, you will take your medication, you will keep fighting..you will not give up! Your intention is not to make her mad and upset but help her to deal with the cards that she has been dealt. Her loved ones don’t want to cause any unnecessary stress, I wouldn’t either but yet you don’t want to see BC give up and say she can’t do this anymore. No one wants to hear that. No one wants to lose the gem that BC is to this world. She is loved by all and the world would become a shade darker without her in it.
My sister left my house yesterday afternoon with this struggle. As a friend when do you cross that line and quit enabling her to make this choice of giving up. When do you look her in the eye and say “you will not give up and leave me, your family, and yourself”. I have yet to hear what all happened last night at the hospital but I can only hope for the positive.
I was talking to someone else about all of this last night and their outlook is not good. I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle this person. You can’t think negatively! I don’t want to hear your reality outlook on the situation and so help me god if this person says what was said to me to my sister I will have words with them and it won’t be pretty. I do believe they know better but still, I wouldn’t put it past them.
I refuse to let my thoughts turn negative. We all must stay positive, have beautiful thoughts of recovery and victory for BC. She needs the strength from everyone around her, everyone that loves her more now than ever.
We love you BC, stay strong, stay with us and fight.
This is it, the last day of school for almost 3 weeks, and it’s only a two hour day. My son begged and begged last night to not have to go today, he is currently still sleeping and has no idea I let him stay home from school. Heehee! My daughter on the other hand wanted to go because they were having a Holiday Party *because god forbid they call it a Christmas Party* and her teacher was making pancakes for all the students. Em won’t pass up pancakes at any time! So it starts..the almost 3 week break. It will be fun, I am looking forward to it and I know the kids are ready as well.
Yesterday I took my son for his 8 year check up at the doctor. What a mad house that was! Everyone is sick and I just hate taking the kids to the doctor when they are fine to be around a bunch of sick people. I really wish they would separate or divide the waiting room…sick side/well side. They were so busy and so backed up that our appointment was at 3:00 and we weren’t called back till almost 4:00. Not cool when kids are involved but oh well. What I learned yesterday shocked me. My son is, like I said, 8 and he is 4’5″ tall and weights 63 lbs. He’s huge! 80th percentile for his height and 70th for his weight. I thought for sure the dr. would tell me to put some weight on him..he is a bean pole! I am going to have one tall kid on my hands. I am 5’3″ so he is going to pass me up in no time, scary. I was doing laundry the other day and we all have black long john type shirts and I actually grabbed my sons and went to hang it up in my closet, that proves right there my baby is not so much a baby any longer. *sigh* I can’t get over how big he has gotten, how smart he is, how caring and loving and just an all around good kid. I am truly blessed with my little boogers.
Yesterday my sister called with some not so good news regarding one of her closest dearest friends. This friend is considered part of our family, we have adopted her as one of our own, she is loved by all of us and is very dear to us. Her and my sister have been friends since my sister moved here in 2004. She has been sick for around 2 months now not knowing what was wrong, the doctors would tell her it’s one thing and put her on medication only for the medicine to irritate what ever it is that is wrong. Back to the doctor she would go and they would change their mind and change her meds, at one point putting her on medication that cost $900. That is absolutely ridiculous for medicine to cost that much, just saying. This back and forth has went on for a couple of months. She can’t really eat anything, stomach spasms, tiredness, pain in her abdomen etc. the poor thing has lost so much weight she looks sickly. I am surprised they have not put her in the hospital on an iv. She is about 5 inches taller than me and weighs way less than me, poor thing. This week she went back in for more tests and the doctor called with the results a day early..that is never good. My sister called with the news that her friend has Cervical Cancer. Then later in the day the doctor called back and said it wasn’t cervical cancer it is Ovarian Cancer. Well lets get it right here! Damn Doctors! Anyway, it involves the ‘C’ word and I flippin hate the ‘C’ word. My heart sank and I could hear the worry in my sisters voice as we started to discuss the news. We lost our mom to cancer so we both don’t do well with anyone having cancer. It is such an evil disease and just saying the word stings my tongue. Her friend is so young, such a good loving person, wants so bad to have kids and have her family. My sister just kept saying why couldn’t this have happened to me, I am the one that doesn’t want kids. I did not like hearing that, I have accepted that I will most likely never have a niece or nephew from her besides her dog, but the thought of my sister having something like this broke me. I refuse to even play pretend with the idea. I don’t know anything about Ovarian Cancer so the first thing I did this morning was google it. In my mind Ovarian Cancer was a less severe form of cancer and I thought highly treatable. The first thing I read this morning is Ovarian Cancer is the 5th leading killer cancer. My heart sank. Now we have no idea what stage the cancer is in, further tests will tell. I can’t help wanting to curse the sky. I am just trying to have positive thoughts for a positive outcome at this point. I worry about my sister. If god forbid this turns down a road with an awful outcome, I don’t know how she will deal. But for now we will stay positive and hope for the best. I read that, depending on the stage of the cancer, they can treat it with a major surgery removing the ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus and ending with chemo to destroy what ever is left. Hopefully it has not spread past her ovaries and fallopian tubes, if it has that is where it gets scary. Time and tests will tell. My thoughts are with this friend, I love you girlie.
On another depressing note, my step-uncle has been in the hospital. It is my step mom’s oldest brother. They had a scare earlier in the week when the doctors decided it was cancer, then took that back and decided it was something else. It has something to do with his lymph nodes. I am confused on this one. She is taking off tomorrow with her other brother to go see him in the hospital in Evansville, I will wait with positive thoughts for the news on him. He is being sent to Missouri somewhere to a specialist very soon. I wish I could remember what she said they thought it was but it was a bunch of big words that sounded like a foreign language to me. I had never heard of it before. My thoughts are with them as well.
I hate to be such a downer but this is life, and it is my life at this moment in time.
A new day which comes with a new outlook on a couple of things and I am going to try my best to stay on track with it. My eyes have been opened to a few things recently..some I agree with, which are the ones that I will work on, a couple have left me quite confused and a few I don’t agree with at all. I have been checked and in that I have checked myself in one department. It is not me to hurt people and cause uneasy/uncomfortable feelings, that is the last thing I want to do, and absolutely the last thing I ever intend to do. That’s not my style. It could be a number of things that led to this…I let myself become too comfortable and was under the impression that they really knew me, maybe its the fault of the other party for not letting me know that something was bothering them and therefore led to built up frustration regarding the issue, or it’s that they jumped on a bandwagon. I don’t know and most likely never will. That’s ok. What matters is that I am aware of a few things now. The unfortunate part is a friendship was lost, but was it a friendship in the first place? I was under the impression that it was but after learning what I have I question my thinking. I question it for the fact of how it was brought to my attention, how quick it was brought to an end without an attempt to reconcile it and that is why I question if it was what i thought it was. I’m leaning towards no. That is completely fine, I chalk it up to another life lesson. People come into our lives and they leave, it’s just how the world works. I have always had many friends and always will, this I know, so I found it a little humorous when there was an attempt to ‘school’ me on the ways of certain types of relationships. I have never had a problem so as I appreciate the advice I really don’t need it. There are people that you will just click with and some that will take a while to find out if you do or not, truly . The ones that do just ‘click’ are the ones that will be by your side, the ones that take a while can go one of two ways. It’s unfortunate when they go but it is what it is and that is just how life works. I know that I am a good person, a caring, giving person so when I find out that I have hurt someone in some way it bothers me. It goes along with the guilt I feel when I ruin someone’s day, I just hate it whether or not I was wrong or right. It doesn’t matter because I feel guilty. I have to remind myself with certain situations to take a step back and look at the whole picture, to truly look and take into consideration many things. Sometimes you will find that it isn’t what you thought or what you have been beating yourself up about. When that realization comes to light and reality shines through the guilt is alleviated and you move on. This I have done. I know and the people close to me know the true me, the person I am. They have taken the time to get to know me, what I am about, they way I think, my sarcasm, my heart. And those are the ones that I will keep close.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will be up and at’em bright and early cooking my goodies for the dinner at my parent’s house so I thought I would go ahead and do my thankful post today.
What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving…
- My beautiful kids. They make me smile on the gloomiest of days, make me laugh on a constant basis, can brighten up any room, and they fill my heart with love making it whole and complete. They are loving, caring, great little people and they forever will be my little buddies. I am thankful that I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy kids that will brighten many people’s lives in the years to come.
- My husband. He is one of the most genuine, caring, loving people I have had in my life. He loves me unconditionally, makes me laugh on a daily basis, has my back in any situation, is there for me when I need him, can cure my blues with one hug. He is my soul mate, he is my love, he is my world. I am thankful to have him here with me everyday. I am thankful for the man he is and father he will always be. He is the best dad to our children and the best husband a girl could ask for. Even though he worked a 12 hours day he will still come home and spend hours on the floor with the kids playing games, acting silly and goofy, making them laugh, teaching them life lessons that they will forever carry with them. He loves his kids more than life itself and he shows it everyday. He is the world’s best dad. I love him with all my heart.
- My sister. She is my best friend, my backbone, my confidant, my strength, my fashion stylist, my critic, my secret teller and holder. I am thankful everyday that I have her in my life and that mom gave me the best sister in the world. We can fight one day and love the next. We are both unique in our own ways but creepy similar in others. She is there for me when I need someone to hold my hand, to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, and when I just need a friend. She is there to share the laughter, the tears, the screams, the stories and is there when I need to just ‘be’. She is a very unique person who has her own outlook on life, she is who she is with no regrets, she is strong and creative and goes after what she wants and I admire her for that. She doesn’t cave to anyone and what they think, she is her own person. My sister is one of the strongest, independent, awesome and amazing women I know. I love you Lindz.
- My Dad and Stepmom. I am so thankful that they took the leap to move down here leaving the only life they have ever known behind to be here with us and their grandchildren. I am thankful for the parents they are to my sister and I, always being there for us and for loving us unconditionally. I am thankful for the grandparents they are to my children. They are the best, caring, loving, playful grandparents kids could ask for. They love these kids more than life itself and it is shown in the way they look at the kids, you can see the love in their eyes. I am thankful that my kids are fortunate enough to have them close now, to have two genuine people love them unconditionally, to help teach them the ways of the world, to take my son hunting and instill the love of nature in them both. They give my children the most precious gifts…the gift of grandparent’s love.
- My friends near and far. You can’t make it through life without a couple of great friends. They become your support system, your partners in crime. They are there when you need someone, a listening ear, a good laugh, a shoulder to cry on, and a glass of wine. I don’t know where I would be without my friends that are close to me. A true friend loves you for who you are, can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking before you do, doesn’t judge you, accepts you for who you are, I am very lucky to have so many that do just that. I am thankful each and everyday for the good, genuine people that I surround myself with.
- The life that I have been given. I feel very fortunate to be able to lead the life that I do. My husband is a great provider for his family, giving us the opportunity to do pretty much what we want and have the things that want and all of the things that we need. I am grateful that he and I share the same outlook on life and that is to live everyday to the fullest. You can’t take life for granted and that it will always be here because it can be gone in a blink of an eye. I am thankful for all the love that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am thankful for the life lessons that I learn everyday. I am proud of who I am and the woman I have grown to be. I am a loving, caring, giving, and an honest person and I am thankful for my parents who took the time to instill those great qualities within me.
- I am thankful that I was taught not everything is peachy and perfect, that the world can be an ugly and not so pleasant place sometimes, that people can be cruel and evil, that sometimes it just is what it is, that you don’t have to keep up with jone’s, that you should embrace who you are and be who you are without regrets. I am thankful for always having the truth told to me so not to grow up with blinders and many misconceptions of how life and the world can sometimes be. I am thankful for understanding life is what you make of it, you make your own happiness and you make your own sadness. I am thankful that while growing up that the truth of the world was never hidden from me. I am thankful that I see life and the way things are for what they are as ugly or as great as they can be.
I hope everyone is thankful on this day for everything great you have and that you don’t take this beautiful life you are given for granted. So as you sit surrounded by your family and friends stop and take a moment to look around and take it all in. Take in the love that you have surrounding you and be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, your family, your friends, your loved ones.
It is a shame that I have to write this post but I need to get one thing straight. This is my blog..this is where I write what I want to, to get things out of my head, to write down my thoughts, to vent my rants. Once I write it I feel better and move on. That is how I work. So instead of talking to so-n-so about it behind anyone’s back to get it off my chest I have learned I would rather write. This should be understood. If I feel I need to talk to someone about how I am feeling I will do so, but what has been missed is the fact that I am simply venting, getting it off my chest to move on. If I felt it was a bigger deal and needed to be addressed I would contact the person directly and handle it. Yes it is a public blog and it is aired but I was unaware that so many read it and then go back to stir the pot with phone calls to someone else. This is mine. If you are offended by it don’t read it. I read plenty of blogs and have read a few posts that I was some what offended by but that is that person’s blog, their feelings, their thoughts. It is not my place to call out someone every time I am offended. Yes I made a few aware of my blog in the beginning but I don’t anymore and I hate that I told anyone about it. This is mine. I never use a name when I am venting so if you feel it necessary to take it upon yourself to try and figure out who I am writing about and then go tell them about it, that’s lame. That’s stirring the pot. I would never read another person’s personal blog and then make a phone call to someone else. I understand that it is their personal blog, their personal space where they write their thoughts. That is not my place to do that. I was told today that some were just so offended by my a few of my posts. I am not sure who “they” are and I am sorry that I offended you that is not my intention but again, this is mine. Again, if you are offended don’t read it. I am floored that I even have to write this.
With all that said. If you read it have the common courtesy to take it as these are my thoughts, the way that I am feeling at that moment in time. Hell you never know I could write it, get it out of my head and then move on to something else never to think about what I just vented about again because in my mind I just squashed it. But whatever. If you read my blog and want to catch up with what I am doing or thinking and you find yourself with a question about something..come to me before you make your phone calls. OR just quit reading it. So to you, whoever you might be, who wants to read my blog and then run back and ‘tell’ like we are in middle school just do me a favor and stop reading it because your intentions are questionable.
So from here on out I will continue my blog but I guess I will make certain posts private because god forbid I have a feeling and want to write about it. Such a shame.
The Helmet concert rocked! I am pretty sure I damaged my hearing last night since my ears are still ringing this morning. It was LOUD! Seeing a concert at 12th & Porter makes it a personal experience in so many ways. The venue only holds 300 people so there is not a bad place to be in the house. We were right up front 3 feet away from the stage. There were 2 opening bands for Helmet, Mindset Defect who is a local band out of Nashville and Intronaut who is from LA and is on tour with Helmet. Mindset Defect was awesome, I dug them a lot, Intronaut not so much. Intronaut, I couldn’t tell you one lyric they sang, the instruments were up way to loud and the vocals to low. Then it was Helmet time…AWESOME! Man were they good. Page Hamilton, the lead singer for Helmet is awesome and a cool guy. He made it a very cool experience. He said that 12th & Porter was one of his top 10 venues to play because it is so personal and the sound is great. He would stop and talk during the show, he even recognized 2 guys in the crowd from past shows. One he looked at and said “hey you were the one that got your nose broken in ’92”! He remembered that..that was awesome and I’m pretty sure made that dude’s night.
In the Meantime…
What I don’t and never will understand is the mosh pit. Why do males feel it is necessary to push or pretty much beat each other up during a concert?? I asked Mr. Jimmy, one of our friends that went with us, this very question.
His answer to the mosh pit question was it’s like being an alpha dog. He said when you can stand in the middle of the pit with your arms out and no one dares come near you…You are the top dog..Alpha of the pack. Well if I was a dude in the mosh pit I know I wouldn’t come close to Jimmy. He’s scary but yet one of the biggest teddy bears I know. He told me last night that he is my pit bull..Word.
There is always one of these dudes in the mosh pit..for some reason the shirts come off and it’s usually one of the guys that should keep his shirt on. Oh and there was a dude in the pit barefoot…GROSS!
You can almost smell the testosterone coming from the mosh pit. They all run around with the “I’m going to beat the hell out of you” look on their face..push, shove, and then hug saying “sorry I almost knocked your head off dude we’re cool”. Huh? Don’t get it.
The concert was awesome and it ended with the guys from Helmet hanging on stage at the end shaking hands, signing autographs and taking pictures. How cool is that? Billy (my husband) was standing there with a shit eating grin on his face and I suggested he go up, he’s not one to do that sort of thing. He did it and he got to shake Page Hamilton’s hand and say nice job. Talk about looking like a kid on Christmas morning opening a present that they wanted all year long. He was one happy boy, I don’t think I have ever seen him smile that big as we were walking out. Then we got into the car and his phone rang with work..buzz kill.
I will leave you with one more video from last night….
Please forgive the quality of the videos and photos..they were taken with my cheap little point and shoot.
Tonight is the night…HELMET! Word. We have been looking forward to this concert for over a month… We are pumped. The concert is at a small venue downtown, 12th & Porter, very very cool place to see a concert.
I will be rock’n it with the guys tonight since I am the only girl going..just me and the boys. \m/\>.</\m/
Remember my post from yesterday and our music? Well this is one of the “old” bands I used to listen to. It takes me back to t high school riding around in my friend’s shit brown old Firebird rocking out to some Helmet then my tape got stuck in his stereo and I was bummed. I wonder if he ever got it out?
But first I have a date..a lunch date with a great girlie and her son who might just be the cutest kid ever, he is my little BFF who is only 2 years old. Love him.