Category Archives: life

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I was told “You Are My Angel”. I cried.

Last night I received a phone call from a friend from back home.  She is going through a difficult time right now, she lost her dad suddenly just over a month ago.  Her and I are friends on facebook of course and her status updates crush my heart at times because I know exactly what she is going through from her head to her heart.  She contacted me through facebook saying she knew I would know what she is going through and if I had any advice for her.  I was touched.  I told her to call me or the message would be a novel.  She did.  We talked for over an hour about her struggles, her emotions, her anger, her heart.  I told her it would get better.  When you lose someone like a parent that is the last thing you want to hear.  I know this from experience.  Someone would tell me that I wanted to punch them in the face.  I told her I know how it makes you feel when you hear this but to know it is the truth.  It won’t be better tomorrow, it won’t be better next month, it might not even be better in a year but eventually it does.  It took me 2 years after my mom passed for it “to be better”.  I reassured her that I did not want to scare her with this information because her time will be different than mine, but it will happen.  You must be strong but you must let yourself grieve…deeply.  That is why it took me so long because although I did grieve I didn’t let myself grieve deeply for almost 2 years.  I was too busy being strong for everyone else, being a mother and wife to look into myself and deal with the pain.  I look back and the 2 years that I was a walking robot, numb and just going through the motions and it is a blur.  A complete blur.  That is not healthy.  You must dig deep within yourself and let it out, let it go.  Not let go of the person, the memories, and the love but let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain of your loss.  That is what gets in you and eats you up inside, it’s what makes you numb.  Everyone has their own timeline when dealing with a loss, for some it’s easy to get through and for some it crushes them down to where they can’t function.  You have to find a balance.  You have to take care of yourself, you have to deal with what is inside of you to move on.

She has been struggling with the fact that no one knows what she is going through.  They say they can assume but really, unless you have been through it yourself, you don’t know.  What makes her and I’s stories unique is that we lost our parents when they were still young and very suddenly.  It’s not that our grandmas passed away after a full life of 80 years.  No, our parents were in their 50’s with grandbabies, with their own kids that still needed them.  People don’t understand the hole that is created in your heart when this happens.

Through the entire phone call I could relate to every single word she said.  I had been there, I had felt the pain, I had felt the anger.  I have been through wanting to shut the world out because you don’t want to hear what they have to say from it’s going to get better to everyday comments in a conversation about other people’s parents who are still with them.  You can become very bitter towards people.  It’s a hard thing to do at the time but you have to learn how to turn a cheek and smile and nod.  It’s easier said than done when you are grieving but you have to learn how to do it.

As we were getting off the phone I told her to call me anytime, whether it was to just talk about everyday life, to vent, to cry  or to scream, my phone was always on.  I told her to take care of herself, to make sure to let herself grieve. I reassured her that it is ok to cry, it’s ok to scream and hate the world but just not to let the hate consume her.  I told her that still after 6 years I still cry on random days, I still cry on her birthday, on certain holidays.  It’s ok to do that and not to ever let herself think differently.

She said to me “I’m putting your number in my phone as ‘My Angel’ because you truly are my angel”.

I got goose bumps and cried.

Just call me Miss MIA.

So yeah, it’s me, Miss. MIA as of late.  I have been crazy busy, it’s ridiculous and I’m worn plum out.  Yes I just said plum out.  Lord, I’ve been in the south too long.  With that said, I’m fix’n to tell you what I have been up to.

I’ve been…

-Running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

– Not reading blogs of the people that live in my computer, I am an awful friend.  I have a lot of catching up to do. I miss everyone!

-Taking pictures, editing, taking more pictures, more editing, editing, editing, editing.  Damn it’s time consuming.

-Trying to fine tune my time management between mom, wife, friend, and a photographer.  I’m failing at this.

-I’m now trying to find the time to start painting my house again.  I put down the paint brush a month ago and haven’t touched it since.  Umm…Yeah..my house looks confused.

-Looking for extra hours in my day. Does Walmart have time on sale?  I can’t find any extra time.

-Saturday night I shot a very talented rock’n band, One43, downtown Nashville at the Red Rooster.  I was in heaven because you just can’t beat mixing a good rock’n roll band with photography. I was one happy girl.

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I still have one more photo shoot to edit and then I will be caught up.  There’s only 1250 photos to go through, cut down and edit.  Geesh, again I need more hours in my day!

Now if you will excuse I must go pamper myself for a bit by getting my hair done.  It looks like I have a mop on the top of my head.  It’s way over due.

Peace.

New Camera and a Photo Shoot

Shew! Last week was crazy and busy.  On top of getting everything ready and up for Fnkybee Photography (<–click the link and check it out!) I bought a new camera.  Rock’n!  I moved from a Sony a300 to Canon 60D.  What a difference, I love it.  I was like a little kid on a Christmas morning.  Saturday I spent the day with my sister and my camera.  We shot at her studio, on the streets around her loft and on location.  It was a great day and we had a blast.

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You can see more shots from the day and keep up with what is happening at Fnkybeephotography.com!

I will be a busy bee later this week.  I have a shoot all day Thursday, a shoot Friday and I’m shooting photos and film for a live band Saturday night!  Things are happening!  Can we say stoked?  Together now…”Stoked!”  It’s about to get real.  Bring it on.

I’m beyond excited to be shooting a band Saturday because this is the niche I want to be in.  I love being surrounded by the music, the atmosphere, the creativity, the vibe.  There is so much open creativity when it comes to shooting in the music industry, it’s not just head shots and robotic poses.  It’s edgy, it’s music, it’s instruments, it’s creative people, it’s the niche as a whole.  I heart it.

Till next time, Keep Rock’n.

Peace.

 

 

 

Fnkybee Photography

After last weeks photo shoot I had a friend ask me to do a pin up girl shoot for her and about 10 girls for their bar.  It’s an anniversary gift for the bar’s owner and they all will be pin up girls.  How Fun!   This lit a fire in me, it made me think “I can do this”.  I just have to put myself out there, I have to cross over the intimidating hump and find confidence in myself and just do it.  So I am.

I would like to introduce

A photograph captures your unique story in time, even though it comes with no words, the story will forever be told with an image.

For now my focus is on finding people to shoot for cheap to get my experience, build a portfolio and to get my name out there.  I am very excited to start this because this is me.  When I started SpokenStill I was kidding myself.  My love is not taking pictures of trees and landscapes it is shooting people, capturing their story.  I want to help my client tell their story through still images.  I want to give people something a little different, not just the traditional portrait with the white background.  I want the photos to have an edge, I want them to pop, I want people to be amazed by them.

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What I offer is modern, edgy and urban photo shoots on location or in a studio.  I will photograph singles, groups, bands, kids, you name it and I will shoot it.  If you are looking for studio shots they will be held at Lucid Linds Studio in the heart of downtown Nashville where a plethora of options are available inside and out.  Urban, traditional, inside, and outside the possibilities the studio offers are endless.  There are numerous textures and colors at my disposal.  The studio also comes with the use of a dressing room, full kitchen and bathroom, internet access and a full sound system.  If you would like more information on the studio or are a photographer yourself looking for a great studio for your shoots please visit LucidLindsStudio.com for more information.

If you are interested in a special price photo shoot please contact me by leaving a comment here or on my website fnkybeephotography.com or shoot me an email at fnkybee@gmail.com.

Peace.


I’m Exhausted.

Wow how long has it been since I have done a regular post?  A week?  A month?  Longer?  All I know is that it has been for-ever.  I have been going non stop for almost a month now and this morning as I was sitting outside with B I realized I am getting exhausted.  Sad thing, there’s no end in sight.  Here is a little bit of this and a little bit of that:

-I am getting tired.

-I totally revamped my landscaping front and back.  It wore me out and made me sore.  I hate loathe landscaping.  It does look nice though so one big pat on the back for me!

-After 7 years of living in this house I finally don’t have fruit on my walls in my kitchen.  NO MORE FRUIT!  YAY!  I have been intimidated by painting my kitchen for 7 years.  I hate painting and I don’t trust my skillz in that area.  A couple of times I would pull a little piece of wallpaper off and tape it right back up because I wasn’t ready to take on the task. Well I told B the week before last that the following Monday would be the day to rid the kitchen of fruit.  Last Monday he went in and ripped a big ole piece of wallpaper off.  I almost cried.  I took a deep breathe and told myself…YOU can do this!  Well my friends I did!  It took me a whole week to get it done and now the fruit is gone and my walls are blue and white and it looks magnificent if I do say so myself!

-Due to the colors on my kitchen walls, I had to paint my chair rails and floor molding (whatever that is called) white.  This opens a whole freaking can of worms for the rest of the house.  I can’t just have white chair rails, floor molding, doors and door jams in the kitchen, No the rest of the house has to match.  So what will I be doing until I am 54 years old?  Painting.  Painting the floor molding in every room, painting the crown molding in the living room and dining room, painting doors and door jams in every room.  Good lord. Everything needs a fresh coat of paint in this house so it must be done!  I am on a mission.

-Now that I have the kitchen done, my next mission is the hall bathroom, my bathroom and my bedroom.  All need new paint.  Am I getting paid?  No.  Fuck that.  Someone should be paying me!

-Today I have another list of a 398 things to do.  I’m learning its going to be like this everyday for the rest of my life.  Fuck that too.  I just want to sit.  Today we are celebrating W’s birthday, which is actually Thursday but we are flying to South Carolina on Thursday for a family wedding so today is the day.  Dad and Susie are coming for dinner and my house is a mess.  So on top of getting the last few doors painting in the kitchen hall to the garage I need to go to the store, clean my house, finish multiple loads of laundry, scrape paint off the kitchen floor, and feed them.  Shit.

-I’m tired.

-I want to meet the person who is responsible for lighting this fire under my ass and poke them in the eyeball.  I’m tired.

-I thought my pile of trim tape was going to come alive and eat me the other day.

-We have had a Led Zeppelin painting in our kitchen for years now and after I got done painting the kitchen I thought just maybe that it would find a new home in another room.  Friday I woke up..walked into the kitchen..looked at my pretty new walls….and saw this…

B thinks I can’t cook without the boys of Zeppelin.

-My sister and I need to schedule time to go to Indiana sometime soon and see my grandma and cousins.  When am I going to fit this in?  I have no flipping clue.

-My aunt found me on FB a couple of weeks ago. Her and my mom were connected at the hip, my sister and I remind me a lot of them two.  She now lives in Florida and has zero relationship with her 2 kids who have kids of their own now.  This pisses me off to no end, especially now that I can read how she communicates with them.  It makes me want to call her out on all of her bullshit and scream “Did you not learn anything when mom passed away?” You have 2 great kids and 4 wonderful grandkids and you are choosing to not be a part of their lives.  Something could happen tomorrow and you will be left not really knowing them with no attempt made on your part to do so.  She has turned into a shitty human and it pisses me off.  She communicates with them like they are fair weather friends.  W.T.F.

-Thursday, like I said earlier, we fly to South Carolina.  B’s cousin is getting married at the Charleston Harbor Resort.  This is the first time the kids have flown and they are beside themselves with excitement.  Me on the other hand..I’m already stressed out about it.  I have never flown with kids, they have never flown.  Also adding to the stress of the trip, I have no flipping clue what to wear.  I don’t know if the wedding is right on the beach, is it inside the resort?  Heels?  Flip Flops?  I need to know this kind of stuff people!!  I don’t know what to pack for the kids, B has no clue what to pack for himself.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

-W’s been sick since last week, I think he is on the mend now, E is sneezing, and B feels like poopy.  Bad timing for this crap all around.  I swear if come Thursday I feel like crap and get this funk they have had I might slit my wrists.

I know that was all over the place but that is just a peek at the inside of my brain at the moment.  It’s all over the place and running at about 125mph.  Good times.  One day I will rest…One day. Until then..here I go.

Peace.

My Photo Shoot – Lucid Linds Studio, Nashville TN

My sister is in the process of opening her own amazing video/photography studio within her loft downtown, Lucid Linds Studio.  She has had a couple of paying shoots already by friends and is in the process of finalizing everything and waiting on her website to be done.  Meanwhile she is finishing up the inside and placing ads to get the attention of local photographers.  Friday we planned to do a photo shoot of both of us to show all the different options for the studio to add to her porfolio.  Well it ended up being a shoot of just me.  Now I am not a model, never claimed to be, don’t think I am even close to one but I will say I am pretty proud of how the shots turned out.  I was totally uncomfortable in front of the camera for the first half but then we turned up the music and just had fun with it.  Here are some shots from the shoot.  All photos are taken by my sister and edited by me.  If you are a photographer in the Nashville area looking for a great place to shoot that offers many inside and outside shooting options, leave a comment and I will get you the information.