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I was told “You Are My Angel”. I cried.

Last night I received a phone call from a friend from back home.  She is going through a difficult time right now, she lost her dad suddenly just over a month ago.  Her and I are friends on facebook of course and her status updates crush my heart at times because I know exactly what she is going through from her head to her heart.  She contacted me through facebook saying she knew I would know what she is going through and if I had any advice for her.  I was touched.  I told her to call me or the message would be a novel.  She did.  We talked for over an hour about her struggles, her emotions, her anger, her heart.  I told her it would get better.  When you lose someone like a parent that is the last thing you want to hear.  I know this from experience.  Someone would tell me that I wanted to punch them in the face.  I told her I know how it makes you feel when you hear this but to know it is the truth.  It won’t be better tomorrow, it won’t be better next month, it might not even be better in a year but eventually it does.  It took me 2 years after my mom passed for it “to be better”.  I reassured her that I did not want to scare her with this information because her time will be different than mine, but it will happen.  You must be strong but you must let yourself grieve…deeply.  That is why it took me so long because although I did grieve I didn’t let myself grieve deeply for almost 2 years.  I was too busy being strong for everyone else, being a mother and wife to look into myself and deal with the pain.  I look back and the 2 years that I was a walking robot, numb and just going through the motions and it is a blur.  A complete blur.  That is not healthy.  You must dig deep within yourself and let it out, let it go.  Not let go of the person, the memories, and the love but let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain of your loss.  That is what gets in you and eats you up inside, it’s what makes you numb.  Everyone has their own timeline when dealing with a loss, for some it’s easy to get through and for some it crushes them down to where they can’t function.  You have to find a balance.  You have to take care of yourself, you have to deal with what is inside of you to move on.

She has been struggling with the fact that no one knows what she is going through.  They say they can assume but really, unless you have been through it yourself, you don’t know.  What makes her and I’s stories unique is that we lost our parents when they were still young and very suddenly.  It’s not that our grandmas passed away after a full life of 80 years.  No, our parents were in their 50’s with grandbabies, with their own kids that still needed them.  People don’t understand the hole that is created in your heart when this happens.

Through the entire phone call I could relate to every single word she said.  I had been there, I had felt the pain, I had felt the anger.  I have been through wanting to shut the world out because you don’t want to hear what they have to say from it’s going to get better to everyday comments in a conversation about other people’s parents who are still with them.  You can become very bitter towards people.  It’s a hard thing to do at the time but you have to learn how to turn a cheek and smile and nod.  It’s easier said than done when you are grieving but you have to learn how to do it.

As we were getting off the phone I told her to call me anytime, whether it was to just talk about everyday life, to vent, to cry  or to scream, my phone was always on.  I told her to take care of herself, to make sure to let herself grieve. I reassured her that it is ok to cry, it’s ok to scream and hate the world but just not to let the hate consume her.  I told her that still after 6 years I still cry on random days, I still cry on her birthday, on certain holidays.  It’s ok to do that and not to ever let herself think differently.

She said to me “I’m putting your number in my phone as ‘My Angel’ because you truly are my angel”.

I got goose bumps and cried.

The Low of a Battle

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It’s hard to watch someone you care about get sick, to wither away down to nothing, to try to stay strong for everyone around them, but yet get tired of trying.  It’s hard to watch someone you love struggle with watching this happen to someone close to them.  You watch their face change from day to day with the ever changing news from good to bad to good to bad.

What I am talking about is my sister and her best friend’s struggle with Ovarian Cancer, we will call her BC.  When I see my sister stressed out from worry, I feel it too.  I worry about her and what is going through her mind…the stress, the worry, the concern, the sadness, the empty feeling that is growing in her heart, the hope that she has and the want for that to stay strong.  BC was my sister’s best friend since the day she moved here.  BC has become part of our family, she has become like a second sister.

BC is in an awful battle with ovarian cancer but is also struggling with staying strong…putting up the fight that it takes to make it through.  BC has had a rough road as of late with multiple hospital stays, the last two lasting 2-3 weeks each.  She is struggling with her weight, she is down to 85 pounds.  She is struggling with the Chemo treatments, keeping food in her system, hydration etc.  She no longer wants to get out of bed for a short walk around her apartment.  Yesterday my sister got a phone call from BC saying she hasn’t been feeling well and she has decided to go to the doctor to see what is going on again.  She called back after going to the doctor to tell my sister that she is being admitted once again to the hospital and asked her to come sit with her while her boyfriend and sister go home to pack for the stay.  We were in a store finishing up some shopping with this call came in.  On the way home my sister received another call from a friend explaining the truth behind the hospital admittance.  I hear my sister in disbelief in the backseat, my heart dropped, my mind went to the worst news, I drove in silence waiting for the call to end to be updated.  We arrive home and she hangs up with her friend and she is livid.  My stepmom and I ask what is going on and brace ourselves for bad news.  The truth was that BC had begged to be admitted to the hospital.  My sister is shaking with anger, BC has given up and wants to be in the hospital.  BC is surrounded by people that love her, that are asking her to stay strong and fight.  BC has fought, she has fought long and hard but she is becoming tired.  That is to be expected.

The question is when as a friend do you cross that line and get in her face and let her know that she must not give up..she must keep fighting.  Is it completely out of line to tell BC to quit being selfish and fight not only for herself but for everyone around her?

BC agreed earlier to seeing a counselor to help her mind through this.  She has yet to talk to anyone, she has also stopped taking her depression medicine.  This is not good.  BC can be a handful when she is not in a good mood (which woman can’t be) and of course everyone around her is trying to keep her as happy as can be.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But when do you say enough is enough and take the chance and intentionally piss her off and say point blank..You will talk to someone whether you like it or not, you will take your medication, you will keep will not give up!  Your intention is not to make her mad and upset but help her to deal with the cards that she has been dealt.  Her loved ones don’t want to cause any unnecessary stress, I wouldn’t either but yet you don’t want to see BC give up and say she can’t do this anymore.  No one wants to hear that.  No one wants to lose the gem that BC is to this world.  She is loved by all and the world would become a shade darker without her in it.

My sister left my house yesterday afternoon with this struggle.  As a friend when do you cross that line and quit enabling her to make this choice of giving up.  When do you look her in the eye and say “you will not give up and leave me, your family, and yourself”.  I have yet to hear what all happened last night at the hospital but I can only hope for the positive.

I was talking to someone else about all of this last night and their outlook is not good.  I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle this person.  You can’t think negatively!  I don’t want to hear your reality outlook on the situation and so help me god if this person says what was said to me to my sister I will have words with them and it won’t be pretty.  I do believe they know better but still, I wouldn’t put it past them.

I refuse to let my thoughts turn negative.  We all must stay positive, have beautiful thoughts of recovery and victory for BC.  She needs the strength from everyone around her, everyone that loves her more now than ever.

We love you BC, stay strong, stay with us and fight.

Co-Sleeping/Family bed. Do you have your kids in bed with you?

Let’s talk co-sleeping, meaning your children in your bed.  I personally have never allowed this for a couple of reasons.  1. I hate a crowded bed, I like my space  2. I always had the thought of if I let my kids sleep with us when they are young, I am just creating a monster who will never be able to sleep alone in their bed.

I don’t understand this thinking about having the kids in your bed.  When my son was little I would lay down with him at nap time and bedtime to help him fall asleep.  And it was usually putting him to bed in our bed and then when we were ready to go to bed I would move him to his.  One of the biggest mistakes I ever made.  Yes it was cute, yes it was nice to snuggle with him and have that time but when he became 2 years old it got old quick.  I found myself at nap time after he had fallen asleep sneaking out of the bed.  Literally rolling off the side so not to move the bed when I was getting up because the slightest movement he would wake up and I was right back down.  Ridiculous.  Here I was with a newborn and my son still wanted me to lay down with him.  This did not work.  I had to break the habit and it was hard.  I could only imagine how hard it is to break the habit of your children sleeping with you.  On top of that, what happens to ‘your’ time, when do the husband and wife just get to have time alone in their bed whether it is to just lay in bed alone and snuggle or have sex or to just simply talk.  On the local news this am they did a story on this.  Talking to a few families that do have their children in bed with them…every..night.  I am blown away.  Their thoughts were it’s the best way to wake up, we are creating a loving lasting bond with our children, it’s family time or I would rather have the kids in bed with me sleeping a solid 7-8 hours instead of getting up in the middle of the night.  I so disagree.  Clinical studies show it is not healthy for this co-sleeping to take place and a bit wrong especially when the kids are older.  I so agree.  Now when if one of my kids come in to our room in the middle of the night sick or with a bad dream then we will let them hop in the bed but this is a very rare occasion.  My daughter is a sneaky little booger and will come in saying she had a bad dream, one night this is cool, if she pulls it two nights in a row I’m on to her and she goes back to her bed.  My daughter was never one to have or want someone in bed with her.  I am pretty sure she gets this honestly from me.  I was so thankful for this. The occasional nap snuggle was splendid and I loved it but I was so happy she didn’t require it or that I let a bad habit start again.

This can’t be good for kids to sleep with you, in my mind.  I would love to read about a study that focuses on kids that sleep with their parents and the attachment they have.  Do the kids totally flip out when they are away from their parents?  Do they flip out when the parent drops them off at school or the babysitter?  What kind of attachment is this creating?  A completely dependent attachment?

From our experience, and I am solely basing this on my marriage and our experience, couples have to have ‘our time’.  I find it essential to a wonderful marriage.  Some might not need this but we do.  We have to have a night away every now and again, we have to have our alone time in the evenings, I have to have quiet time for at least an hour after the kids go to bed, we have to have sex and we enjoy it immensely.  One couple that they interviewed on the news this am was asked “when do you guys get know”.  Their answer, when ever we can, it’s quick and sporadic and when and where ever we can get it in.  Really?  And you are ok with that?  Just a little quickie here and there.  Don’t you want to be alone with your husband in the confines of your own bed with no time limit?  Don’t you want to have the time to be romanced and/or have time for some foreplay so it’s just not wham, bam thank you mam?  I don’t get it.  I heard from a friend one time that they get it in when ever they can…even going to the walk in closet for a quickie and they kids coming in and yelling for them.  I totally get that you do what you can when you can…I get it, I really really do.  But I just think every couple needs their time during the day.  And I believe that some of that time should be spent in your bed..together…alone.

So what are your thoughts on the co-sleeping aka family bed?  Do you have your kids in bed with you?

I have friends that let their kids sleep with them every night.  By no mean am I slamming or disrespecting anyone for their choices, this is simply my opinion.

At 33 I’m old and decrepit.

Yesterday was an eventful/uneventful day.  Does that make any sense?  No, not really but it’s ok because this is my blog and I can not make sense if I don’t want to.  I can clarify the above statement by saying my morning was eventful and then I  made it a point to make the rest of the day as uneventful as I possibly could.  I succeeded.

My morning started off with that damn annoying beeping sound and me portraying a zombie mother like no one’s business..I should get an Emmy.  After getting the kids on the bus I walked in my bedroom and looked at my bed.  I suddenly heard a voice…”Jaaaaaamie…just lay down for a minute, it’s nice and warm and oh so comfy”  Zombie’s obey so I laid down and fell back to sleep for an hour.  After waking up in a fury because I had to leave for the doctor in 30 minutes I was human again…Thank goodness.  I would have had a heck of a diagnosis from the doctor if I went still a zombie.  I finally had an appointment for my knees.  I was a nervous wreck yesterday on the way.  I do not like to go to the doctor when something is really wrong with me.  I usually just go and hang out in the waiting room when I am super healthy.  No in all seriousness, my knees have been bothering me since October and I have been putting it off and putting it off.  Yesterday I went.  I figured she would just check them out and refer me to an Orthopedic doctor.  Nope she checked them out looking puzzled at why one swells and then the other.  We had to go through all my family’s medical history seeing if anyone had any joint problems.  I said no and then in the middle of the examination a lightbulb went off and I said “Oh yeah, My mom would get fluid on her knees all the time”.  That piece of info would probably been best at the beginning of the talk.  Oops..Hey it was -40 degrees in that damn room (the doctor even walked in and said Oh my it is considerably colder in here than the rest of the rooms”).  My thought, guys are just trying to kill me..too bad I’m not a zombie anymore or I would eat you all.  My brain wasn’t thawed all the way after sitting in the -40 degree room for an hour, yes a flipping hour, before the doctor came in.  Sorry if some of the info is a little delayed.  So anyway she said that might be what is going on with mine but she wasn’t for sure.  She wanted to do X-rays and if the x-rays can’t tell her what is going on then blood work would be needed because there is a chance it could be Gout.  WHAT!  Gout??  I looked at her and curled my nose and said “Oh..pause..Ewwww…what is gout, it just sounds dirty, like an STD?”  She giggled almost saying ‘you dumb little girl’.  She explained to me what it was and I was relieved a tad because now it didn’t sound so dirty and clearly wasn’t a knee STD.  But it is something old people get and I’m only 33 damn it…I can’t have gout!  WTF!  She sent me down for x-rays next.  Yippee Ki-yay.  That darn place…I get done with my paperwork and turn it in and the girl says to me “we have a very long x-ray ahead of you and I have no idea how long it is going to be but I will find out.”  Peachy.  I told her I was going outside to make a phone call and I would be back.  I make my call and come back in 5 minutes later to be immediately called back.  Wow..that wait was harsh.  They took 5 x-rays of both knees and now I am playing the waiting game for the doctor to call to tell me either a.) I have fluid on my knees  b.) I have the knees of a 79 year old and I’m old and decrepit at 33 or c.) they have no flipping clue and I will need blood work done.  Aging SUCKS MY BUTT!

I came home and my friend had her car packed and the boys ready to hit the road.  She probably wanted to leave while I was at the doctor but I had her car seats in my car…Oops.  haha!  You can’t leave until I get back!   😉   She finished up and out the door she went.  It was sad.  I walked her out and said my goodbyes to her and the boys and then she rushed me back in the house to end it and most likely so we wouldn’t stand there and cry.  I came in and closed the door behind me after I watched her pull away and my house was quiet…eerie quiet.  Now I know exactly what my dad is saying when he tells me how quiet the house is after the kids leave from being there all weekend.  I walked aimlessly around for a moment and then hit the couch.  It was nap time.  I was exhausted yesterday.  I stayed up way too late every night they were here, I have major sleep to catch up on.  So I napped and it was grand.  My kids got home and we managed to do nothing all evening.  I was ready to go to bed at 6:30 but the kids weren’t having it…go figure.  But somewhere along the line I caught a bit of second wind and ended up staying up till 11.  What the crap!  Plus B is out of town and I hate to go to bed when he isn’t here.  I don’t know why but I stay up way late when he is out of town.  Needless to say I didn’t get anything done around the house yesterday, it looks like a bomb went off in every room.

Today I have a crap ton of stuff to get done.  Laundry (because now my clothes basket is being a whore), clean, more laundry, pay bills, oh and I get to do our taxes.  How fun is that!  To top all that exciting stuff off I have to go to the store.  We are getting another round of snow this afternoon..a whopping 1 inch.  I don’t have to go to stock up, I really am out of milk.  I drank the last cup last night and devastated my children so if I don’t get some today they might murder me in my sleep.  Kids can be evil I tell ya.  I might take the chicken route and hit the gas station for a $6 gallon of milk just to avoid the ‘oh shit we are getting an inch of snow, we must stock up’ shoppers at the grocery store.  Yep, I think that will be the plan.

So now I will pump mass amounts of caffeine into my body to give me crack speed and start my day.  All the while waiting for the phone call from the doctor to see if I am decrepit.


Dear Eye, you’re not funny.

Seven years ago I was laying in bed with my son who was 1 at the time trying to get him to fall asleep.  He was not tired and refused to cooperate with the fact that it was bedtime.  I went to sit up in the bed and just as I was lifting my head up off the pillow my son decided to point at my eye.  It was dark and I didn’t see this happening.  Well his finger met my eye.  It was the worst pain I have ever felt.  I didn’t sleep that night, instead I sat on the couch trying to catch a few minutes of sleep in between the pain and the waterfall my eye had become.  The next day it was not better, it was worse.  A trip to the emergency room was in order.  My son at 1 year old has caused me the most excruciating pain I have ever felt…TWICE now in his short 1 year on this earth.  The first being him wanting to come out of my vagina before I could get an epidural.  I had the epidural needle in my back when he decided it was time therefore causing much panic, them pulling the needle out and laying me down to start the now natural childbirth.  Not what I signed up for with birthing a child, I like drugs.  Now the second being him sticking his finger in my eye and come to find out he had cut my cornea.  If you have never had an eye injury it is awful and it ranks right up there with natural child birth if not exceeding it.  The doctors put numbing drops in my eye and talk about relief, it was the best thing I had ever felt.  After numbing it so they could take a look at it they gave me my diagnosis, told me I needed to go to an eye doctor and gave me a script for drops.  I was ecstatic thinking I was getting a bottle of these heavenly numbing drops.  Oh No.  The drops were just an antibiotic for my eye, they couldn’t give me the numbing drops because if you over use them your sight is in jeopardy.  Well I like my’s kinda cool.  For the next 2 to 3 days I ‘tried’ to sleep..tried…that’s funny.  It hurt to have my eye open, it hurt to have it closed.  If I could stand to have it closed for more than 2 seconds the water would build so when I did open it, it looked like I had turned on a faucet.  That is not an exaggeration.  I would open my eyelid and water would pour out, literally.  So not cool.

Seven years later it still bothers me.  If my eyes are crazy dry or I am extremely exhausted, especially in the morning, I can open my eye and it feels like it is being scratched all over again.  It hurts to blink, it hurts if the littlest breeze hits it and it waters…and waters…and waters…and waters.  For hours.  This a.m I opened my eyes and felt the scratch and immediately thought..FUCK…here we go.  That was at 7:30am  it is now 9:30am and it’s still watering.  It’s fabulous.

My husband and sister used to not understand this reoccurring watering and pain until they too both had something happen to their eyes.  My husband was playing with the kids outback one day this fall and looked up to have a little thingy fall out of a tree and hit him directly in the eye.  He went through the same thing, not to the degree mine was but he did have a cut.  He now gets it and he now has the reenactment of his injury as well at different times.  I don’t know if the eye just never truly heels itself or its just a dirty little trick that our bodies like to play on us.  If that’s the case, I do not find it humorous at all, it’s quite annoying and can screw a day in about .2 seconds.  For one your eye waters for hours on end and two after it finally decides to stop your eye is puffy for hours after.  It makes you oh so beautiful.

I have to say I am very grateful for my eye sight and the fact that I still have excellent vision.  No need for glasses, not a change in my 20/20.  It’s a freaking miracle I must say.

Never take your sight for granted!  If you are doing something where there might be a chance of something making its way into your eye..wear your safety glasses.  I wear mine 24/7 when I am around my kids.  That is a complete lie but I should.

A Benefit for Brandi. A concert in her honor, spread your love!

As some of you have read in earlier posts a good friend of mine and my sister’s bestie is in a battle with Cancer.  The doctors original thought was she has ovarian cancer.  She had a full hysterectomy last week to rid her body of the Ovarian Cancer and during the surgery found a tumor the size of her stomach and spots throughout her body, one being on her pancreas which has brought up the possibility of it being Pancreatic cancer.  They are awaiting the results of the biopsy, which should be in later this week and will know for sure what it is, but for now they are sticking with Ovarian Cancer.  She will be starting Chemo in just a few weeks.  She is 29 years old and the sweetest girl you will ever know.  She will light up a room when she walks in with her huge smile and laugh, she is hilarious, she is loving, she is caring and just all around a great girl and I am proud to say she is my friend.  She is loved by so many around our city and Sunday 3rd and Lindsley is throwing a benefit concert in her honor.   The benefit concert has a huge list of performers and most likely more artists will be added seeing that on fb people are adding to the comments that they or others want to perform.  The current list of artists that will be playing the benefit:  Dave Pahanish and The Rust Belt ,Tom Bukovak, Marcel, Jessica Andrews, Kristen Lee, Keith Anderson, Josh Hoge, Andy Davis, Rick Huckaby, The Wooten Brothers, Old Union, Johnny Neel, Chris Bledsoe, Randy Boen, Jack Pearson, and Very Special Guests…..

So if you are reading this and live in Nashville get your tooshie to 3rd & Lindsley Sunday at 4:00!


My sister and Brandi. (Brandi in the white shirt)

We Love You Bran!

It will be a night of great music, friends, love and support.

If you are curious to learn more about Brandi, her battle, and her progress you can visit CaringBridge.  She has her very own page set up (and the link will take you straight to her page) where you can follow updates and her progress throughout her battle.  Stop by the page and show your support and sign the guest book!  She is a strong, loving and caring girl and we all know that she will beat this and shine just like she does everyday.

So to you Brandi keep your head high.  We all love you and are pulling for you and we all KNOW you will beat this.

We send you our strength…


The results are back and it is Ovarian Cancer.  She starts her chemo on the 20th.  Outlook looks a-mazing!

Becoming Numb…again.

I want to be numb, I will be numb.  2 blows in a week.  Cancer.  I hate it and I can’t stress that enough.

Today started off good, I was in a good mood, the kids were happy and I am having an extremely good hair day.  Yes a good hair day and it warrants an evening out.  If you would have asked me this morning that would have been the reason behind wanting to go out tonight.  Now that the day has progressed I want to go out so I can become numb.

Monday my sister’s best friend, who is also my friend and might as well be my own sister had a full hysterectomy due to what they thought was ovarian cancer.  During surgery they found a tumor the size of her stomach, 2 spots on her vertebrae, a spot on her pancreas, a spot on her liver and appendix and a couple of other masses.  The spot on her pancreas changed or I should say questioned the doctor’s diagnosis.  He has never seen ovarian cancer spread to the pancreas which now makes him think it is pancreatic cancer….not good.  They biopsied the spot and sent it out of state, the waiting game has begun for the results.  So in addition to a full hysterectomy they also removed her appendix and the other masses they found.  She is 29 years old.  This is not cool.  My sister needless to say is a hot mess and is questioning herself being able to deal with this again if it takes a turn for the worse.  We lost our mom 5 years ago to cancer suddenly which is why she doesn’t know if she can handle this again.  Happy thoughts…positive thoughts.  That’s all we can do right now.  I worry.  I worry about our friend, I worry about my sister.  I am finding my strength once again for her.

To top that news off I was aware that my step uncle was under observation for cancer as well, cancer of the bile duct in the stomach.  He went to the Mayo Clinic to start chemo, or he thought.  After further observations there at the clinic the outcome is not good.  They can do nothing, it is too far.  He now has 8-12 months to live…he is 55.  His cancer is so rare that the normal yearly checkups did not catch it, nor any symptoms he had warranted an alarm.  My stepmom just lost her dad last year to cancer and her mom 2 years before that.  We have officially become “the other people” that this happens to.  This sucks.

It makes me mad, it makes me sad.  It makes me angry and once again question even the thought of a god.  You listen to people say God will see you through, God will heal, God will make everything ok.  Really?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I am sorry but I call bullshit once again.  If there was such a God then he wouldn’t let this happen to people.  He would heal and not let them die.  He would take away their pain and make everything ok.  I have yet to see this happen.  And NO taking them away from us does not mean ‘He is making it ok an curing their suffering and putting them in a better place’ Fuck that, that’s bullshit.  This is one reason that I believe there is no God.  There fucking can’t be.  If he so fucking great then this shit wouldn’t happen.  It would be the douchebags that are loading our prisons, the child molesters, murderers, rapist that would have this shit happen but No they are sitting in there wasting space and human life being healthy.  I call BULLSHIT!

*If I offend you I am deeply sorry but this is how I feel*


Good News mixed in with Bad News.

This is it, the last day of school for almost 3 weeks, and it’s only a two hour day.  My son begged and begged last night to not have to go today, he is currently still sleeping and has no idea I let him stay home from school.  Heehee!  My daughter on the other hand wanted to go because they were having a Holiday Party *because god forbid they call it a Christmas Party* and her teacher was making pancakes for all the students.  Em won’t pass up pancakes at any time!  So it starts..the almost 3 week break.  It will be fun, I am looking forward to it and I know the kids are ready as well.

Yesterday I took my son for his 8 year check up at the doctor.  What a mad house that was!  Everyone is sick and I just hate taking the kids to the doctor when they are fine to be around a bunch of sick people.  I really wish they would separate or divide the waiting room…sick side/well side.  They were so busy and so backed up that our appointment was at 3:00 and we weren’t called back till almost 4:00.  Not cool when kids are involved but oh well.  What I learned yesterday shocked me.  My son is, like I said, 8 and he is 4’5″ tall and weights 63 lbs.  He’s huge!  80th percentile for his height and 70th for his weight.  I thought for sure the dr. would tell me to put some weight on him..he is a bean pole!  I am going to have one tall kid on my hands.  I am 5’3″ so he is going to pass me up in no time, scary.  I was doing laundry the other day and we all have black long john type shirts and I actually grabbed my sons and went to hang it up in my closet, that proves right there my baby is not so much a baby any longer.  *sigh*  I can’t get over how big he has gotten, how smart he is, how caring and loving and just an all around good kid.  I am truly blessed with my little boogers.

Yesterday my sister called with some not so good news regarding one of her closest dearest friends.  This friend is considered part of our family, we have adopted her as one of our own, she is loved by all of us and is very dear to us.  Her and my sister have been friends since my sister moved here in 2004.  She has been sick for around 2 months now not knowing what was wrong, the doctors would tell her it’s one thing and put her on medication only for the medicine to irritate what ever it is that is wrong.  Back to the doctor she would go and they would change their mind and change her meds, at one point putting her on medication that cost $900.  That is absolutely ridiculous for medicine to cost that much, just saying.  This back and forth has went on for a couple of months.  She can’t really eat anything, stomach spasms, tiredness, pain in her abdomen etc. the poor thing has lost so much weight she looks sickly.  I am surprised they have not put her in the hospital on an iv.  She is about 5 inches taller than me and weighs way less than me, poor thing.  This week she went back in for more tests and the doctor called with the results a day early..that is never good.  My sister called with the news that her friend has Cervical Cancer.  Then later in the day the doctor called back and said it wasn’t cervical cancer it is Ovarian Cancer.  Well lets get it right here!  Damn Doctors!  Anyway, it involves the ‘C’ word and I flippin hate the ‘C’ word.  My heart sank and I could hear the worry in my sisters voice as we started to discuss the news.  We lost our mom to cancer so we both don’t do well with anyone having cancer.  It is such an evil disease and just saying the word stings my tongue.  Her friend is so young, such a good loving person, wants so bad to have kids and have her family.  My sister just kept saying why couldn’t this have happened to me, I am the one that doesn’t want kids.  I did not like hearing that, I have accepted that I will most likely never have a niece or nephew from her besides her dog, but the thought of my sister having something like this broke me.  I refuse to even play pretend with the idea.  I don’t know anything about Ovarian Cancer so the first thing I did this morning was google it.  In my mind Ovarian Cancer was a less severe form of cancer and I thought highly treatable.  The first thing I read this morning is Ovarian Cancer is the 5th leading killer cancer.  My heart sank.  Now we have no idea what stage the cancer is in, further tests will tell.  I can’t help wanting to curse the sky.  I am just trying to have positive thoughts for a positive outcome at this point.  I worry about my sister.  If god forbid this turns down a road with an awful outcome, I don’t know how she will deal. But for now we will stay positive and hope for the best.  I read that, depending on the stage of the cancer, they can treat it with a major surgery removing the ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus and ending with chemo to destroy what ever is left.  Hopefully it has not spread past her ovaries and fallopian tubes, if it has that is where it gets scary.  Time and tests will tell.  My thoughts are with this friend, I love you girlie.

On another depressing note, my step-uncle has been in the hospital.  It is my step mom’s oldest brother.  They had a scare earlier in the week when the doctors decided it was cancer, then took that back and decided it was something else.  It has something to do with his lymph nodes.  I am confused on this one.  She is taking off tomorrow with her other brother to go see him in the hospital in Evansville, I will wait with positive thoughts for the news on him.  He is being sent to Missouri somewhere to a specialist very soon.  I wish I could remember what she said they thought it was but it was a bunch of big words that sounded like a foreign language to me.  I had never heard of it before.  My thoughts are with them as well.

I hate to be such a downer but this is life, and it is my life at this moment in time.


Dear Mr. Cold….

Dear Mr. Cold,

It has officially been one week, 7 miserable days, since you have checked into my body and you have now worn out your welcome here.  You are not a fun or pleasant guest to have around and I need you to go away…now..right now..immediately.  Consider yourself Evicted, please read and comply with above notice.  You have done nothing positive for me, all you have managed to do is run havoc on my body.  You have made me sore, sweaty, freezing, sneezy, miserable, tired, and now your latest shenanigan…making me blow parts of my brain out through my nose which is now raw and it hurts and frankly its just disgusting.  You make me snotty during the day and stuff me up at night and therefore I wake up with furry teeth and chapped lips…ewwwe!  That’s just wrong.   I do not find this game you are playing funny or amusing.  You played a trick on me on Friday, you let me feel better for a day and then you came back even worse.  What did I do to you?  Did you get a laugh out of it?  I hope you are thoroughly amused.  I have been a good and patient hostess but now it’s just time for you to go.  I need to go grocery shopping and be a part of society but with you here I feel like a reject.  I need to get my kid a pair of shoes and warm coats but I don’t have the energy, so my son has been going to school barefoot and both of my kids have frostbite. Are you happy?  No one wants to be around me, no one wants wants my germs that you are leaving behind.  My family is going to starve because of you and my husband is not going to have his coffee.  Can you live with that on your conscience?  I hope not.  I am in need of human interaction and sunlight.  You must pack your bags and leave the premises immediately or I am calling in the big boys to bounce you.

He's going to tear your face off if you don't leave.

I say Good Day to you, now get the fuck out!

Yours truly,


ps.  If you even think think about taking up residence in one of my children or my husband I will take the drastic measures needed and behead you personally.  If you want to keep your life you need to leave nicely and quickly.  I will be awaiting your payment for time and suffering.  Please pay promptly.

Seriously! I'm not joking.

Science and the option to choose the gender of your baby.

sex symbols

Image via Wikipedia

Let me just start off by saying I heard about this yesterday on the news and caught only the last half of the story but it got me thinking.  It was about society being given the choice to choose the gender of their baby.  To me this is just absurd.  You are messing with life and I find that greatly disturbing.  In my eyes if you choose the gender of your baby you are the biggest selfish pig there is out there.  Of course there is the requirement of  before you can make this decision you must first have a child already because of course we don’t want to be too selfish.  What’s next we get to choose what our babies look like?  Make sure they are athletic, artistic or a genius??  What will our world be like 100 years down the road if science keeps interfering with the choice we have when it comes to what gender we choose.  What gender will win?

I understand that there are people out there that have boy after boy or girl after girl and all they want is one of the other sex and say they will keep trying until they do but to be able to choose it??  Are you kidding me?  My opinion on this does not come from a religious view it simply is messing with the role of life.  I believe everything happens for a reason, you are given the opportunity to create a life which in itself is a complete miracle and absolutely amazing.  We make other people…that’s crazy.  But as a society we have became so self absorbed that just being able to make life, another human being, isn’t good enough and now we can choose what we get as long as we have the money to pay for it.  A little saying comes to mind that my daughter learned in preschool “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”.  Simple!  I think this should apply to this..the making of life.  Yes we get bummed when we have our heart set on one gender or the other and then the time to find out roles around and it’s the opposite of what you had your heart set on but are you going to love that baby less because it’s not what you wanted…the answer is no unless you are just an awful human being to begin with.  You are bummed for just a second but then realize you made shouldn’t matter what gender it is…you just made another human.

As I do oppose this method, I am not opposed to all scientific interference with fertility.  I do not oppose in vitro fertilization and other methods in that category, some just simply can’t reproduce due to different causes that are simply out of their control and that is when science becomes amazing in this role.  I do not oppose tubal litigation or the Essure and other methods alike and birth control..everyone has the right to choose if or when they will have children and how many they want.  My argument only lies in the choosing of gender and the thought of what is next if this become the norm because to me that is just scary and playing ‘god’ if you will.

Here is an article in the New York Times that touches on the ethical side of the issue:

What are your thoughts?